Author: Rubyletters

Dear Kalahari

It came!!!! Thank you so much for your speedy service in my hour of absolute mindless want:) Actually, to be fair, the books arrived last week, but due to my “at death’s door” state of health, I was forced to let it stay at the post office until today. Here you can see the whole process of unwrapping my little package of joy. If you look carefully you’ll notice the Twilight DVD in the background…I swear this was not on purpose, I only realised it afterwards.

Join me on my journey of discovery, opening the package and unpacking the books…..it’s a beautiful box set with with lithographs and everything. *happy sigh*


Regards

Ruby
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Female slave

Now, we’ve been over this many times before. Over this specific thing and all the other really irritatingly stupid things you constantly do. I’ve come to the conclusion that you simply lack the ability to obtain any form of logic. That being said, let me explain this morning’s problem to you again.

I wake up at 5:30 this morning with the following in my ears:”Who you tryin to get crazy with essay? Don’t you know i’m Locco?????” (Is my sms tone). I’m still very much asleep and realise that it could be any number of people experiencing a life threatening crisis, or it could be bad news. So I sit up, grab the phone, by now convinced that something awful has happened to somebody i love, and to my utter disgust, I see your name. OK, so maybe you have a life threatening crisis, I decide to give you the benefit of the doubt and read it :”Hi Ruby,we dnt hv water.pls pls pls give me advice,frkng out,dunno wht 2 do.HELP!” (For the record, the spelling was copied exactly from the sms)

Totally miffed I put the phone down and attempted to get at least another half an hour of sleep. 20 seconds later :”Who you tryin to get crazy with essay? Don’t you know I’m Locco?????”. My irritation and fury knew no bounds as your name flickered on my screen….:”wht shud i do?wht shud i do???”. Once again i ignore. 20 seconds later….you guessed it :”who you tryin…blah blah blah” I almost hurled my phone against my cupboard.

I didn’t even bother reading your last message but sent a snotty reply telling you to use the little water left in the kettle to brush your teeth, or to drive to the nearest cafe/garage shop, buy a bottle of water and brush your teeth and wash your face and get your ass to work.

You still ended up coming to work over an hour late. You’re excuse…we didn’t have any water. ARGH!!!!! So let me explain this to you one last time. My phone number is not your local assistance hotline. The only reason you have it is to let me know when you are sick and can’t come to work, when you are stuck in traffic and will be late for work, or when you are dead, in which case you won’t be able to come to work. It is not to be used to solve life’s mysteries, or to ask for stupid advice, when you don’t even follow my advice to begin with. For the record, you have yet to use my number for any of the allowed reasons, as you usually just do as you please and don’t let me know when you’re late or sick. But oh, when you have a stupid question then you can’t wait to use it.

Seriously…who on earth sms’s or calls their boss to ask them what to do when they have no water??? AND at 5:30 in the bloody morning?????? oh sorry, I forgot, you do…cause you seem to be bereft of all logic, then i again, I guess logic can only exist when you have a brain.

This is officially the last time I’ll be explaining it to you, let the record reflect that this is the 111th time I’ve done this(yes, I counted). Next time I’ll just phone my Mafia connections, and they HATE being woken up at 5:30*evil grin*

Regards

Boss Ruby

Dear Panarotti’s

So last night we went to one of your restaurant to celebrate AK’s birthday. We were a little late in arriving, and when we finally pitched up, all excited about seeing old friends, having drinks and celebrating with me friendster, I was seated facing the murals in the children gaming area.

I didn’t actually pay much attention to the mural at first, but something about it kept bothering me, so finally i took a couple of seconds to study it and figure out what was bothering me. And then it occurred to me. It’s slightly disturbing really. I couldn’t believe my eyes and proceeded to ask most of the people at our table to take a look to see if they saw it too….and without fail everyone had the same reaction, which resulted in all of us collapsing in giggles.

I had to get a picture of course, so that i could include it in this here letter. But, since all the waiters were staring at us and the mural at that stage i bribed my cousin to do the embarrassing job of taking my phone, walking up to the offending image and taking the picture.

I present to you Exhibit A:
I’m not quite sure what i find more disturbing….the fact that the little kid is happily holding on to a penis or the monster staring at it excitedly in the background. Anyway, i just thought I’d point out this little painting mishap to you. Please note that in future I’ll be facing the other way when coming for pizza, as no food would be consumed if i actually had to sit right in front of it again.

Regards

Ruby

P.S. Oh, by the way…we aptly nicknamed it “Tollie the Lollie“, so don’t be surprised if you discover a little bit of graffiti on your wall:)

Goodbye my little noenoe!

Even though my heart is filled with joy and incredible excitement, i can’t help but feel extremely sad. I had to say goodbye to you this weekend.

It broke my heart to leave you behind on the second hand car lot. You were the one that convinced me it was OK to drive again after the accident. I fell in love with you the moment i saw you for the first time, and the dotted line was signed before i even set foot inside you….I knew you were mine. It was love at first sight.

You’ve protected me against many would be killers(maniacs on the road) and have managed to make even mercs and BMW’s to eat dust from time to time. We’ve shared many fun times, many sad times and many goodbyes.

I hope that your new owner will look after you as well as I did, and that you will receive as much love and pettings as you did from me.

Love
Ruby
xxxxShortly after i got my little noenoeMy blue eyed boy and my little noenoe

Dear Granny

Happy happy birthday!!!!! I hope this day is filled with joy and the knowledge that your children, grandchildren and great grandchildren adore you! I thank God everyday that you have been spared for us for so long, that He made you the amazing person you are and that I have the privilege of being your grand daughter.

I realise that the last couple of weeks have been very hard for all of us, but especially for you. I’m sorry that you have to spend your 83rd birthday in so much pain, but am grateful for the fact that even in your pain and trials you have the energy to laugh and joke about it.

You are an amazing woman. You’ve survived cancer, broken bones, the loss of your husband – which we all thought would be the end of you, the death of most of your brothers and sisters, the death of your beloved and gentle souled son and currently 3 broken vertebrae.

You always have a kind word for anyone who crosses your path, your faith has kept you strong through all these years, you consider yourself to be rich because you have all these people who love you and your zest for life and independence, even at 83, makes you one of the most remarkable woman i know.

I love you, you darling old woman, and i hope that we will share many more jokes, trips to nurseries, secrets, secret coffee dates, cake and tears. You are not only my gran but also my friend. You’ve been right there with me through all the trials I had to go through in life, and I pray that you will be spared to attend my wedding, bake and decorate my wedding cake and see my children,…so they too will have the blessing of knowing you.

Happy birthday Darling

Love

Ruby
xxxxxxx