Category: Rants

Dear Female slave

Now, we’ve been over this many times before. Over this specific thing and all the other really irritatingly stupid things you constantly do. I’ve come to the conclusion that you simply lack the ability to obtain any form of logic. That being said, let me explain this morning’s problem to you again.

I wake up at 5:30 this morning with the following in my ears:”Who you tryin to get crazy with essay? Don’t you know i’m Locco?????” (Is my sms tone). I’m still very much asleep and realise that it could be any number of people experiencing a life threatening crisis, or it could be bad news. So I sit up, grab the phone, by now convinced that something awful has happened to somebody i love, and to my utter disgust, I see your name. OK, so maybe you have a life threatening crisis, I decide to give you the benefit of the doubt and read it :”Hi Ruby,we dnt hv water.pls pls pls give me advice,frkng out,dunno wht 2 do.HELP!” (For the record, the spelling was copied exactly from the sms)

Totally miffed I put the phone down and attempted to get at least another half an hour of sleep. 20 seconds later :”Who you tryin to get crazy with essay? Don’t you know I’m Locco?????”. My irritation and fury knew no bounds as your name flickered on my screen….:”wht shud i do?wht shud i do???”. Once again i ignore. 20 seconds later….you guessed it :”who you tryin…blah blah blah” I almost hurled my phone against my cupboard.

I didn’t even bother reading your last message but sent a snotty reply telling you to use the little water left in the kettle to brush your teeth, or to drive to the nearest cafe/garage shop, buy a bottle of water and brush your teeth and wash your face and get your ass to work.

You still ended up coming to work over an hour late. You’re excuse…we didn’t have any water. ARGH!!!!! So let me explain this to you one last time. My phone number is not your local assistance hotline. The only reason you have it is to let me know when you are sick and can’t come to work, when you are stuck in traffic and will be late for work, or when you are dead, in which case you won’t be able to come to work. It is not to be used to solve life’s mysteries, or to ask for stupid advice, when you don’t even follow my advice to begin with. For the record, you have yet to use my number for any of the allowed reasons, as you usually just do as you please and don’t let me know when you’re late or sick. But oh, when you have a stupid question then you can’t wait to use it.

Seriously…who on earth sms’s or calls their boss to ask them what to do when they have no water??? AND at 5:30 in the bloody morning?????? oh sorry, I forgot, you do…cause you seem to be bereft of all logic, then i again, I guess logic can only exist when you have a brain.

This is officially the last time I’ll be explaining it to you, let the record reflect that this is the 111th time I’ve done this(yes, I counted). Next time I’ll just phone my Mafia connections, and they HATE being woken up at 5:30*evil grin*

Regards

Boss Ruby

Dear JMPD

Not usually being one to complain about the police, I hope you realize just how shocking, disturbing and sobering this experience must have been for me to be writing this letter.

On Wednesday morning, on my way to work, a JMPD vehicle almost rear ended me because the JMPD officer behind the wheel was on his cellphone and therefor not paying attention to what was going around him. Correct me if I’m wrong, but talking on your cellphone while driving is illegal in this country, isn’t it?

Anyway, this wasn’t nearly as disturbing as what happened next. Please note that the vehicle did not have it’s sirens or flashing lights on, and was obviously not on it’s way to some kind of an emergency. The vehicle proceeded to push me of the road, causing me to nearly roll my car, and then drove past throwing me a zap sign…..what the hell????? I was unable to take the vehicle’s registration number as I was trying my best not to write off my own precious little car in the process.

Needless to say I was disturbed, upset and just a tad hysterical. I ended up crying all the way to work, ruining my make-up and developing an absolutely awful headache. After getting some tea from my precious Hilda(tea lady), to calm the nerves, I tried phoning the police department to lodge a complaint….no joy!

First of all I was informed that this was impossible, no police officer would push another car off the road and proceed to be rude about it. But when they finally agreed to take the complaint, I was informed that without a registration number I can’t even lodge a complaint, or at least not one that would be taken seriously at all. I’m sorry, I couldn’t take down the registration number because I was trying NOT TO GET KILLED!!!!!!

This is the second time in as many months that I’ve had a major problem with JMPD. One evening last month, a DRUNK police officer, actually tried to pull me over, after I instinctively hooted at him when he cut me off. He was swerving across the highway, drunk as a skunk, causing more than one person to have to veer off the highway in an attempt not to be hit.

Due to this I’ve lost all respect for our so-called law enforcers. I’ve always tried to remain positive and supportive wherever I can…but this is absolutely ridiculous.

Regards

A very upset Ruby

Dear *enter name of service provider here*

That’s it!!! this little ray of sunshine has had enough!!! Forget ray of sunshine…think more in the lines of a little thunder storm…or wait, make that a big thunderstorm with lots of lightning and stuff.

About 3 weeks ago my 3 month old phone decided to bail out on me. I finally managed to take it to one of your outlets 2 weeks ago. I was promised that i would have my phone back in 2 to 7 working days. So yesterday, being 9 days since i took the phone in, I finally gave you guys a call. Only to be told that my phone has been ready since last week Wednesday!!!! So why didn’t anybody let me know!!??? I’ve been battling to survive with my old phone that only lasts about 2 hours at a time.

Anywhoo…i decided not to become too unfluffed about it. When i got there to pick up my phone i was informed that the phone had been a dud, so you’ve sent me a brand new phone. Awesome! or so I thought initially anyway. It wasn’t the right colour:( but since it was brand new, and i was in desperate need of a phone that could function for longer than 2 hours i decided to not give you too much trouble about it. In between working i re-entered all my numbers and stuff onto the phone, changed the settings the way i like them and went to bed a happy little ruby child.

This morning however has not exactly gone according to plan. 1. I am tired…..dead tired. I haven’t‘ had a proper night’s sleep in ages, I’m overworked and to top it all off i have to work all weekend…sucks to be me right??? 2. We didn’t have any power!!! It took me 45min to get from my house to the highway……..a distance of only 3km. 3. I was therefore late for work. 4. I phone someone for the first time this morning from my phone and what happens???? it sounds like the person on the other side is talking to me from a metal box….all metally, echoey and distorted.

Don’t panic….was my first reaction. It’s probably just a bad line right?? erm….no! I’ve had people phone me all day and still i get the same result…..metal box effect. I tried desperately to remain calm..but my nerves have been stretched to the max today…with clients getting on my nerves, slaves behaving like spoilt brats and the looming deadline chewing at my insides. I phoned the outlet i took it to to begin with.

A chirpy little employee answered the phone. She informed me that i had to return the handset immediately. OK, one problem here…..I’m at work! and tomorrow morning at 5 o’clock I’m leaving to go see my parents, I’ll only be able to take it in next week sometime. So what does this silly little woman tell me??? Oh no mam…you can’t do that! then *insert service provider name here* will think that you broke it, or that there wasn’t something wrong with it since the beginning.

Well what the hell am i supposed to do???? it’s not my fault that you are open the exact same hours that i have to be at work??? Apart from this I’m sitting here thinking about the fact that I’ll probably have to spend another 2 weeks being practically phone less. Just trust me when i say that in my life that is a gigantic crisis!!!!!

I trust that you’ll replace the phone immediately when i bring it in next week. That you won’t accuse me of dropping it, kicking it, wetting it or generally breaking it. That you’ll know better than to mess with sweet little ruby. I realise that i might appear all sweet and nice…..but trust me…there are times in my life…however few and far between….when you really shouldn’t mess with me. Now is one of those times!!!

Regards

Ruby

Dear Hollard

I’m sure you guys are pretty used to getting all kinds of letters of complaint, insurance queries and general bits of paper from stupid people that don’t understand what makes the world go round these days. This letter is, however, different…of that much I can assure you.

I’ve driven on the M1 almost everyday for the past couple of years…and every morning there is one thing that puzzles me all the way to work where more important matters take hold of my mind. But at that early hour of the morning when my brain is literally still fast asleep, this little thing is highly consuming for the little bit of brain capacity I have available.

Why on earth do you guys have a huge statue of a cow wearing a diaper on your grass in front of your building???? Seriously, you guys don’t produce milk, meat, babies or diapers…so why on earth would you feel the need to have this monstrosity on your lawn?

Anyway, far be it from me to criticize you for your way of thinking, but I would appreciate it if you could put my very much fast asleep mind at ease.

Regards

Ruby

Dear Producers of Zwahashu

I considered the fact that you guys might find this letter insulting and rude. But I just couldn’t sit back and pretend like this didn’t really make my skin crawl in agitation.

Tonight while I was working hard at completing a gruelling exercise routine, your program happened to be on. The program isn’t all that great to begin with, but being all for local programs and such I opted not to waste the energy to interrupt my session and change the channel.

After spending most of the program talking in one of our thousands of official languages (which I didn’t understand) during prime time viewing, you finally screened a snippet of the presenter with a professional chef. I was kind of nauseated by the way that the vegetable lasagne was prepared…it was totally unconventional and weird. But I decided to labour on through the show while I waited for 7de laan to start. (Yes, on the days I’m home early enough, which are rarely, I watch 7de laan….get over it!!)

After the actual preparation of the terribly gross lasagne the recipe was briefly displayed on the screen. And this is where I finally lost it. The list read as follows:
– Lasagne
– Mixed vegetables
– Butter
– Aromat
– Milk
– Mashroom soup
– Mixed herbs
– Cheddar cheese
Spot the reason for my dismay.

Mashroom soup……mashroom soup??????So I chop up mashrooms to add to my food, drink mashroom soup and make mashroom sauce to add to pasta or put on a burger or over a steak. What the hell is mashroom soup???

I am genuinely appalled at the fact that an error like this slipped past you guys, the producers. What on earth is the rest of the world going to think of us when they see that we spell mushroom, Mashroom??How does something like this happen?

Anyway, I just thought I’d bring this under your attention as I consider it to be the beginning of the end. What is to become of a nation when our national broadcaster can’t even spell? It’s a small little thing, but every big thing is just a collection of a lot of little ones. I would appreciate it if you could look into this.

Regards

Ruby