I’ve never been big on the whole new year’s resolutions thing.  A friend of mine’s brother recently hit the nail on the head when he tweeted : “I don’t understand people and their new years resolutions… why wait for a new year to better yourself? that’s just foolish and lazy.”

I really don’t believe in making big life changing decisions at the turn of the year.  It’s silly, in my honest opinion, and if you are quite honest with yourself you will see that in most cases you end up breaking your new year’s resolution.  Why? There are a million possible answers to the question…my favourite probably includes the fact that you weren’t ready to commit and do what had to be done and therefor not ready for the decision when you made it.

So while my dear 2011 post will not include any new year’s resolutions I will share with you a few things that this year will bring, or rather that i hope this year will bring.

• A new job by the end of Feb.  I really want to move out of my current field into the more specialised field that i did my masters degree in, namely Forensic Accounting/auditing.  I’ve decided to be bold and courageous and to cast my net really wide.  My search will therefore not be limited to joburg, or Cape Town or SA even.  See what i mean with casting my net wide?  Ideally i need to find something by the end of February…so hold thumbs and say prayers OK?  And 2011 you better be playing nice!
• I’ve decided to give myself the year off…academically speaking.  The 2 years working on the masters degree was a nightmare, and at the same time i loved it, because it was exactly what i wanted to be doing.  Will i be doing a PhD? maybe….but I’m definitely giving myself a year to settle into place and take a breather…it’s needed:)
• I hope that 2011 will bring lots of personal growth, growth in my spiritual relationship and growth in my friendships.  Getting to know the ones you hold closest and dearest even better is something i wouldn’t sacrifice for all the money in the world:)
• If all goes according to plan I’ll be touring through Europe with my best friend and a couple of others in either September or October….*looks at 2011 threateningly* you BETTER make sure that happens!
• Since my hand is healing swiftly i plan on getting back into my exercise routine as soon as possible.  No, this is not the typical new year’s resolution of “i need to lose weight, i will gym”.  I am generally pretty good about doing exercise and i try to look after myself as much as possible, but with the recent spurt of bad luck with my body I haven’t been near any form of exercise (except for climbing the mountain the other day) in weeks and i plan to get back into it as soon as my hand allows for it.
• I really want to work towards being a better person.  This is also not a new year’s resolution. It’s a life motto…but i hope to continue doing so during this year.
• And there is a little part of me that’s kind of hoping that 2011 will be the year of prince charming.  It’s not that I’m looking and it’s not that I’m lonely and it’s not that I’m desperately wanting someone.  BUT it would be awesome if he would decide to finally come this way during 2011.  I mean, considering that i won’t be studying this year I’d actually have all the time in the world for this:P  On a more serious note…..I guess at the end of the day all of us sometimes want that someone to share our lives with.  Will that happen in 2011? I don’t know..maybe.  All i know is that whether he comes along or whether he waits another year or couple of years…i will continue being who I am and standing for what I believe in.  If i meet him, i great, if i don’t…then well that’s great too.  Because I’ve learned that if you can’t be complete and if you don’t believe that you’re good enough as an individual without someone, you will NEVER be complete and good enough with someone. 

Well…2011, i hope you play along nicely this year and follow my instructions to the tee.  If you don’t I guess I’ll have to cross that bridge when i come to it.  In the meantime I’m just going to sit here and believe that you will play along…cause that’s just the kind of person I am.

Love
Ruby
xxxx

My my my…what a year this has been. Full of ups and downs, happies and sads….an all round good but tough year:) I’ve decided to end my year saying: ‘I’m tracing the outlines of 2010 and liking the picture I see’.

I’ve decided to dedicate this post to everything that happened this year and all the lessons I learned, both good and bad…as all these things played a roll in who I am today:)

2010 will be etched into my memory for the following reasons:

• I started my year off with a bang by visiting the gorgeous  Victoria falls…such an amazing experience.
• I got my iPhone!
• two other gorgeous friends had their babies…..we welcomed babyice and Faith into the world
• A really good friend that lived on the same property as me committed suicide at our home.  He hanged himself, i saw him….it was a traumatic and really sad experience, that i pray i never have to relive EVER again.  I was fortunate to have special people in my life who really stood by me and supported me.  Some people would simply stay awake with me through the night because i couldn’t sleep.  Thank you.
• I met the American boy (he was the brother of the friend who committed suicide…odd that we would meet under such strange circumstances and click immediately).  Paul always said we’d hit it off:)
• I learned that I’m easily disappointed in myself for doing/thinking/saying things or for not doing/thinking/saying them when i should have.  I give myself a really hard time afterwards.  But then I work really hard to fix where i messed up.  I’m not entirely sure if i should tell myself to cut myself some slack or to just stay the same I’m now.  Both have pros and cons
• I moved into my new home!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love it! The area is fantastic, the apartment is perfect for me and it’s only a 15min drive from work on the worst possible traffic days:)
• I met my heart.……..
• I learned that just because someone promised you forever does not mean they will keep that promise
• My good friend Superolz introduced me to Vida Coffee….I’m addicted:/
• I found that it is possible to instantly connect with someone
• Friends are found in the most amazing places….sometimes at a random braai at a house of a person you don’t even know while gate crashing parties
• Falling in love is both an amazing and a really scary experience.  It is however mostly good and definitely advisable:)
• During the move i discovered a whole bunch of shoes i had completely forgotten about.  Can somebody say HappyRuby?
• The female slave finally resigned and moved away.  I can not begin to tell you how happy this made me.  She made my life a misery for years.  
• We attended #AnGlugWedding🙂 My two gorgeous friends finally got married….it was definitely a wonderful wedding:)
• I gave myself a pretty impressive blue eye….don’t ask:/
• I spent my birthday sick as a dog in bed…but did end the week with an awesome birthday party at least
• A dear friend who has been a mentor and a great source of wisdom through a large part of my life was told he had an exceptionally large tumor on his brain.  I was shattered, however I’m happy to report now that after extensive surgery and a long recuperation period he is doing quite well.  
• My trust issues were fuelled by a certain someone.
• Soccer World Cup was held in SA….amazing amazing time….I’d like to bring ‘Phillip’ back if i can:P
• GirlGuides was launched and i was one of the lucky girls who was asked to write gadget reviews for them:)
• I was the victim of quite a serious roadrage incident
• I had a fair amount of disagreements with the little bossman at work.  For the first time in the 6 years i have worked with the company i wasn’t 100% happy…i didn’t like this feeling.  But I’m happy to report that the situation has greatly improved.
• I won an iPad from Afrihost!!!!!! *super big grin*
• Having vicious rumors spread about you is not a pleasant experience
• Some people ALWAYS have to be right.  They will NEVER admit that they are wrong, and will rather write off a friendship than admit that they made a mistake.
• I discovered that there are more than a fair share of well known auditing firms in the country who don’t even remotely adhere to the various standards they are supposed to be complying with…this really really really gets my blood boiling
• I had a VERY memorable trip to Cape town as a mini break:)
• Some people have a set of rather impressive double standards….i can’t stand this practice. 
• I started teaching myself to speak German…this is still very much an ongoing project that will keep me busy now that i don’t have a masters degree keeping me occupied:)
• I went through a period of suspecting that my landlord was sneaking into my apartment while i wasn’t at home.  It was silly and stupid and started because he has a set of keys for the house and because i couldn’t find clothes that i was looking for:)
• We attended the Girls Only media launch…a business started by a lovely friend of mine:) 
• #TheKernel was born:) And even though i have never met TheCaz in person there is no one I can think of that is more deserving of this incredible bundle of joy.  After everything she’s been through i’m defnitely celebrating the birth of this little miracle in my 2010 memories blog:)
• I launched my own little Ruby’s secret project:) It kicked off with a bang and i want to encourage everyone to keep sending me their secrets:)
• I was attacked by an evil squirrel
• I got to watch Mama Mia
• My gran became incredibly sick and was hospitalised for 2 weeks.  All of us, including all the various doctors were convinced she only had days left to live.  She on the other hand had a completely different opinion about the whole thing.  She was discharged and went back home accompanied by an oxygen machine which she has to use for a couple of hours each day.  We saw her now over Christmas and she is still as naughty and mischievous as ever.  She’s gotten old though, and this makes me really sad.  She’s not just my gran, she’s my friend and the very thought of losing her makes me feel broken inside.  I’m grateful for each extra day i get to spend with her.
• We went to see Grease
• I won a gorgeous clutch bag and brooch from Miss Molly’s Fashion on Being Brazen’s blog *another super big grin*
• Claude and Minnette got married…was an absolutely stunning wedding.
• I had a pretty impressive fall at Metro Lounge while attending a friends birthday.  I had a huge bruise for weeks and my knee was swollen twice it’s normal size for quite a while.
• An old housemate and friend got engaged:)
• We had our 10 year matric reunion *eeeek* which i had to organize….it was quite a lot of fun:)
• I got my MASTERS DEGREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *does happy dance* after 2 years of blood, sweat, tears, no sleep and about a million sacrifices i finally made it.  My happiness knows no bounds:)
• I had an operation on my hand to remove a growth that’s been causing me all kinds of hassles.  As it turns out the operation was way more invasive than originally planned and the recuperation and healing is taking a lot longer than anticipated.  It is almost 4 weeks ago and i still can’t do a large amount of things with my right hand.  But the specialist assures me that the operation was a success and in time i will regain full use of my hand.
• I had an ‘in chair operation’ done on my mouth.  While grinding on my teeth in my sleep i managed to get a shard of tooth stuck in my jaw bone.  They had to dislocate the jaw and cut out quite a large piece of my jawbone in order to get rid of the shard.  This resulted in bone grafts and a titanium implant.  All in all an extremely painful experience.
• I got to spend Christmas with my gran:)
• Wall-E got engaged!
• My brother and sister in law came to visit from the states:) They are in fact still here and will be here for another 10 days:)
• My sister in law gave me a handmade quilt as a Christmas gift this year.  What an awesome and touching gift:)
• My house was hit by lightening…twice.
• Cobus and Lizette got married…she was one of the most beautiful brides I have EVER seen.
• Spiritually this was definitely a year of grace.  It was a year of many searches.  I questioned many many things about what i believe and why. And even after all of that there was just no way that I could deny the existence of my powerful, all loving, all knowing and merciful God.  His grace is truly enough, and He had grace to allow me to question and search without letting me go. My beliefs are based on what I have experienced and does not come from what I have been taught or told.  He is real and He loves me.  I realise that not all of you reading this will agree or understand this.  But He is real to me and therefore makes out a very important part of my memorable moments of 2010.
• I’m sitting here on the last day of 2010. Happy and content.  My heart is full.  I get to spend it with my family.  There are only 3 people missing to make this little picture a 100% perfect…but at the moment it’s damn near perfect:)

I was saying this morning that even thought this year has rushed past at a ridiculous speed, January feels a million years ago.  Such a ridiculous contrast and yet so true.  It’s been a really tough year.  I’ve had to cope with disappointment and hurt and about a million other challenges, but i survived and for that reason alone it was a good year.  Don’t get me wrong, there were many good and even incredible things that happened this year, but i can honestly say that I experienced the past year as incredibly tough.I hope that 2011 will be a better one.  Filled with challenges and new things and blessing and lessons to learn.  If all goes well I’ll do a little dear 2011 post, and while I don’t plan on having new years’ resolutions i hope to make make myself aware of what i expect of the new year.So my lovelies….Happy new year! I hope that 2010 has given you the chance to grow and that 2011 will be filled with many blessing, lots of love, friendship and happiness and that in a years’ time we will all be saying “I survived 2011”.Much loveRubyxxxxxxP.S  I’ve added a few pictures of various moments in 2010.  Enjoy!

I would appreciate it if you could cut me some slack right about now *pulls face*.

OK, so it’s not ALL bad.  In fact, there are one or two super awesome things that have happened of late too. So, let me start with the first and the biggest and the bestest thing.  I passed my MASTERS degree:) Can we get a whoop whoop?  I realise that to some it might seem that I’m making a really big deal out of this, and they might not understand.  But to me this is a big deal.  It’s been 2 years of blood, sweat and tears and about a million sacrifices.  Late nights, no sleep, high stress level and millions of hours of research later and here i stand…i finally made it:)  I was so relieved i felt like crying:)  So allow me to say…yay me! and do a little happy dance and come celebrate with me if you want.

Last week Friday…or rather, the Friday before that….i finally relented and paid a visit to the hospital with regards to the growth in my hand.  The fact that it had been swollen and incredibly painful for days and that the growth had become remarkably bigger was really stressing me out.  Once can’t help but wonder if the original diagnoses saying it was a bone cyst was wrong.  What if it wasn’t something as innocent as all that.  What if it’s a tumor?  So i spent a stressful day at the hospital being sent back and forth between the x-ray department, the specialist the ultrasound people and the doctor. 

The specialist was furious.  The original diagnoses had been wrong.  It wasn’t a cyst at all.  It’s an abnormal growth on the bone, causing lots and lots of damage and which would in time render my right hand absolutely useless.  It had to be removed immediately.  I was booked in for an operation on Tuesday. Panic stations! The specialist assured me that the chances of it being malignant was incredibly small, but they will test it anyway, just to double check.

So on Tuesday morning I was taken to hospital by my awesome friend.  His strength and support and calmness helped more than he could know.  I was on the verge of tears…since the accident i really don’t deal well with hospitals.  Thankfully the operation went off without a hitch and i was cleared for discharge on Tuesday afternoon.  At least i could go and recuperate at home…score!

It’s been a painful and frustrating couple of days.  Having your dominant hand rendered useless and in a lot of pain while living alone is NOT for the feint hearted.  My hand was so swollen that moving it became impossible and my knuckles couldn’t be distinguished from the sausages that were my fingers.  Thankfully most of the swelling is now gone:) I was perfectly miserable and whiny for a couple of days…I’m sure the entire twitter can vouch for that.  But my hand is improving every day and I’ll be back to see the specialist in a week’s time.  I’ve included a couple of pics of the progress:)

But now, the reason for my whiny letter to life, requesting a break is this.  I have the annoying habit of grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw in my sleep when I’m stressed.  Obviously the operation has been quite stressful for me, so I’ve been doing quite a bit of biting in my sleep.  On Saturday evening i woke up in excruciating pain in my lower right jaw.  Not only had I managed to rebreak a tooth i had broken years ago, but i also managed to lodge a piece of broken root in my jaw. *shudder*

By Sunday morning the whole right side of my face was swollen, nothing was helping for the intense pain and nowhere in JHB could i locate an emergency dentist.  Between my hand and my mouth i eventually collapsed in a pathetic little heap of tears and took myself off to casualties to get something for the pain.

Monday was my first day back at work…i won’t lie…it was painful.  But my hand is coming along nicely and this made me smile.  My mouth however was a completely different story.  The dentist is unable to help me until we can get the swelling down.  He did however take an X-ray and was horrified at the way that the root had broken off inside the gum and managed to lodge itself in the jaw.  He’s prescribed super strong painkillers and anti-biotics…i hope they start working ASAP…can’t really handle much more of this.  This also means that my as yet untainted mouth (no cavities, no fillings, nothing) will no contain remain untainted:/  I’ll be going in on Thursday (he’s kind enough to help me on the public holiday) to have an implant done.  Bye bye Christmas bonus…as my medical aid will not be covering this rather expensive procedure.

Now can you see where I’m coming from begging for a break?  What i have learned in the last two weeks is that when it rains it definitely always pours….this applies to both the good and the bad in life.  The trick is not to drown but to learn to dance in the rain.

Love
Ruby
xxxx

Sometimes you can be such a silly girl! I started this post as my standard ‘dear readers’ post, but then i realised that i already did one of those this week…and i don’t really want to bore my readers. So instead I’ve decided to write myself a little note and a bit of a reprimand for being silly.

Today I’m having an insecure day *sigh*.  To be honest…i can’t complain.  I don’t have these often.  But today is just one of those days where i feel insecure.  And the fact that i KNOW it is both stupid and unreasonable just makes me feel irritated with myself. 

I’ve taken the ‘If i can’t see it, it can’t see me’ approach…which pretty much means I’m ignoring my stupidity and living the day as if it doesn’t exist….the problem with this approach is that it isn’t a very successful one. The insecurity is still there…glaring at me…pfffffft!

What exactly am i insecure about? I don’t know.  I’m just feeling generally unsure of myself.  Maybe it relates to the harsh realisation I had this morning when i woke up.  My life is about to undergo a very big change in the next 4 months or so.  I plan on moving jobs.  Where will I work? Will I stay in JHB? Will other things in my life work out the way i want them to? Then there is also my sometimes cynical and ‘conspiracy theory based’ outlook on life.  What if everything blows up in my face? What if none of this is real? So many what if, and where’s and when’s and what’s.  It’s left my head spinning just a bit and most probably led to my bout of insecurity with regards to EVERYTHING today.

So, my dear and darling Ruby.  Snap out of it! And with that I mean right now! The future is looking bright and exciting.  And yes, i realise that you don’t know exactly what will be happening in the next couple of months…but this only means that the future is filled with endless possibility.    Also, the whole world is NOT conspiring against you.  The people who take time to listen, spend time, show you that they care and tell you this really DO care.  They’re not all about to turn on you and laugh at you for being silly enough to trust them, or for sharing your dreams with them.  They wouldn’t go out of their way just to hurt you….and if they do this is more the exception than the rule.

Funny thing is…I’ve had a really good day so far.  I’m not feeling down or scared or unhappy or anything of the sort.  I’m in a happy and silly mood….there is just this tiny little jackal of a feeling gnawing at my ankles and it is irritating me.    Maybe just actually saying it out loud instead of ignoring it will give me power over it.  In fact, I’m convinced of this.

I’m a very blessed little girl, and i plan on reminding myself of this all the time.  I have a bright future ahead of me and a close circle of people around me that love me and care for me and only want the best for me:)  Insecurities…pfffffft! what are those! *take THAT stupid irrational feeling*

Love
Ruby
xxxxx

Update: writing this earlier and actually figuring out WHY i was being all stupid actually helped:) feeling MUCH better now:) Yay for the therapy writing brings:)

Happy Thanksgiving!  Hope you have a truly awesome day and that your thanksgiving day feast is memorable….I’m also hoping you guys get to play loads of shuffle board today (if the weather permits):)

I figured since we can’t be there to celebrate this day of thanksgiving with you I’d do a post with a list of things that I’m grateful for.  So here goes:)

I’m thankful for:
……..having people in my life to love and being loved in return.
……..a family that truly has my back at all times.
……..awesome friends:)
……..my new home! I can’t believe it took me 5 and a half years to move closer to work…My life has changed completely.  Also, because the new home doesn’t have damp problems I’m not sick all the time.  Haven’t had bronchitis or pneumonia since moving.
……..the fact that my masters degree is now done and dusted.  Now i just have to continue to wait until the results come out.
……..having people in my life who really really care for me.  Who would do anything for me.
……..being so close to someone that you experience their presence even when they aren’t with you.
……..grace. 
……..a God who loves me.
……..apple juice! you have no idea how much i adore apple juice:) I always have some in my fridge.
……..my iPad and iPhone…yes, this sounds ridiculous and insanely superficial.  It’s OK…i can deal with that. They’ve made my life so much easier, efficient and entertaining.
……..having a job and surviving.  I’ve met too many people this year who really suffer financially.  People who want to work and don’t have jobs.
……..second chances.  None of us deserve them, but they are the most amazing things when given to someone who really wants to make a difference.
………new opportunities and an exciting future.
………good music:) It’s the thing that keeps my soul alive.
………certain things happening in certain parts of my life.
………risks that were taken and the amazing returns because of it.

I think that the point I’m trying to make is that even when we go through tough times, and even when we are whiny and difficult and sad.  Or when we’re happy and excited about life….there is always a lot that we can give thanks for. 

I love you, and I miss you both so very much! Can’t wait for the little visit in just over a month.

Much love
Ruby
xxxxx