Dear Paul…I still remember

Wow! I can’t believe it’s been over a year already.  I haven’t thought of that day in quite a while.  Sure, I often think of you…sometimes i forget you are no longer with us and think I should call you, and then I realise I can’t.  That realisation always comes hard and fast and without any mercy.  But it’s been a very long time since I’ve allowed myself to think of that day.

I had a really crappy day today.  You know, one of those days where you really just want to curl into a little ball and cry and hit something until you feel better? Then while I was sitting in front of the television, not really paying attention to what was on, they showed a shot of a guy getting hung. That sight made all those memories flood back.  It was like being stabbed in the guts all over again.

I haven’t allowed myself to think of that sight in a very long time.  Haven’t allowed myself to wander too far and investigate too much how I dealt with the trauma of having to cut down the body of my friend that committed suicide.  But seeing that today…it reminded me.  To be honest it made me feel like I was going to throw up….I remembered the smell, the sight, your mother’s crying in the background *shudders*.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’ve dealt with this a long time ago…I’ve just chosen NOT to dwell on it.  To focus on the happy memories I have of you.  The sight of you hanging there…that’s definitely NOT how I want to remember you.  And until now I’ve been succesful in ignoring it.  Is it the wisest course of action…I don’t know.  All i know is that this makes me cope with it.

I miss you my friend, and I wish you were still around.




5 thoughts on “Dear Paul…I still remember

  1. brought a tear to my eye. that doesn’t happen often. i hope your day has got better *hugs* i am finding wine is helping blur mine. tomorrow will be better….

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