Tonight at 10 minutes to midnight it will be exactly 5 years since that fateful night. 5 years….wow…I can’t believe it. At times it feel like it couldn’t be that long…at other times i could swear the accident happened a lifetime ago.
I don’t know where you are in life, and I’m grateful that I don’t have any contact with you. But sometimes i wonder if you ever think about that night. If you ever even realised how much damage you caused. Have you ever thought about it and wanted to apologize for it? As I’m sitting here writing this I realise that you never did. Not even once. You never apologized. Not for the act and not for the consequences. But I’ve forgiven you regardless. I refuse to spend my life bearing a grudge, I’ll be the only one suffering if i did.
Sometimes i can’t help but wonder how different my life would have been. And then my mind starts wandering towards the what ifs and the whys and the why Me’s. But then i start looking at my life now. Yes, at the time i was convinced you had ruined my life. Being practically bedridden for two months was no joke. The constant headaches that I’ll probably have for the rest of my life, my metal ankle, the scars, the fact that my wrist isn’t nearly as strong as it used to be, nightmares and a court case that went on forever those were and still are tough.
But i look at my life now and i realise that i have so many blessings in the form of people, things, realisations and relationships. And then i wonder how much of this i would have missed if I hadn’t been in the accident. The fact that i emerged from that accident with my life was a miracle in its self…and for that I’m eternally grateful. It made me a more aware, more grateful, more ‘wanting to live’ kind of person.
For a very long time talking/writing/thinking about the accident kind of brought my heart to my throat. But as i sit here today I realise that is a thing of the past. Yes, i still have nightmares sometimes and the scars, pain and blaring metal detectors at airports will always be a reminder. But you know….reminders of how different things could have been and how lucky I am to be alive have now been filed into the positive rather than the negative side of my brain.
I hope you are happy. I hope you have found peace, and i hope you have become more responsible in time.