Category: Life

My dearest Ouma

Today, as I was scratching around in my study looking for something I needed, I came upon the Christmas card that I received from you this last Christmas….your last Christmas.  It was so unexpected, and I was caught completely off guard.  Hello instant tears.  I always miss you, and I think of you every day….but today was so much worse.  I just collapsed in a little heap on the floor and wept….mourned the fact that you will never see my new home….mourned the fact that you will never meet your first great-grandson, Baby B…mourned the fact that you will never see me getting married..mourned the fact that I will never share a moment of hysterical laughter with you again.   It felt like my heart broke into a million different pieces all over again.
And of course misery loves company.  Suddenly I was crying for a whole bunch of other reasons too…you know…since I had already ruined my make up and since I was already all sniffly and since the post cry headache had already set in I might as well make use of the opportunity to be completely and utterly miserable.  It’s dumb. And I always end up feeling emotionally over sensitive afterwards…like I’m precariously balancing on a very VERY thin ledge of sanity.  I develop verbal diarrhea and talk non-stop about the stupidest things to the people close to me as if it will somehow stop me from thinking too hard and falling off the edge.  Sometimes I feel sorry for my friends….but i’m eternally grateful that they put up with my little quirks.  I’m not sure how I’d survive without them.

Anyway…I’m babbling again.  I just wanted to tell you that I really miss you.  The practical part of me is so grateful that you are no longer suffering and that the memories we have of you are fond and amazing and happy.  But there is a part of me that just aches so much when I remember that you are no longer here.  And sometimes being human and being emotional really sucks:/  Just so you know, I’m OK now, and I seem to be over my little wobble (Listening to Angry music as per the BFF’s advice, kinda helped)  But I wanted you to know that even though you are no longer here you will never be forgotten.

Love
Ruby
xxxx

Dear HQ Sandton

I would just like to pop you a quick note to say thank you for hosting my party on Saturday:) Throughout the process I was assisted by competent and friendly individuals (specifically Riaan and Bruce) and their advice and help was highly appreciated.

The food, as always was divine and my only complaint involves one of your staff members breaking the stiletto shoe on my cake *sulks*. Other than that I am one happy and satisfied little customer.

I’ve included a few snapshots of the night…I have so many pictures, but sadly I can’t put ALL of them here.  I’ve included only a few with some of my friendsters.  Thanx again!

Ruby
xxxx

Poutypants

Dear Acquaintance

Some times it makes me sad to have to admit that people I used to call friends have now become mere acquaintances, if that.  These are people I cared about, helped and believed to care about me.  It’s a sad day when you have to admit that you were mistaken…that they were not your friends afterall…they never really cared.  Even though in your case I’ve been at this point before, this week I had to finally accept that you were never a friend.  You’ve been an emotional parasite, an emotional and psychological abuser and now you are no longer part of my life.

I’m tired of being called all kinds of names when the opinion you asked me to give is not what you wanted to hear.  I’m tired of being insulted and called names because I refuse to engage in an argument with you.  I’m tired of you discussing me behind my back and calling me names.  I’m tired of caring about you and having that thrown back in my face.

I’d like to say that when I did consider you a friend the relationship was good…but the sad part is…it never was.  It was always fundamentally flawed…I just didn’t realise it.  Am I innocent in all of this.  No.  I’ve had my fair share of flinging insults at times.  But I’m over the hurt…I can’t do it any more.Your latest tirade was unnecessary and extremely hurtful and brought me to this decision.  It’s done, it’s over…no more.

I hope you manage to sort through your issues.  I hope you find happiness. I hope you have friends that can help you though this…but I’m sorry, it’s not going to be me, 7 years is quite enough.

Ruby
xxxx

 

 

 

I have no words….

I have no words to even begin to explain how I feel.  I have no words that can successfully explain just how shattered my heart is.  I feel like it’s been ripped into a million pieces and they all fell shattered to the floor.

This afternoon I finally got the call that I had been dreading and preparing for, for weeks.  My gran passed away *sob*.  We all knew it was coming.  In fact, those of you who know me well, know that I flew done to Durban not so long ago because she was in hospital and on her death-bed.  Against all odds she managed to go home, walk around at home and chat to us on the phone as if nothing had happened.  The cancer however, was back.  And while none of us told her about it as her body was too old and frail to do anything about it…it didn’t change the fact that it was slowly sucking the life from her.  It has been a heart wrenching few weeks…hearing the deterioration in her voice whenever we spoke to her, getting the feedback from my aunt that she was indeed going backwards…and then finally today…the news we had all sadly been waiting for.

The really sad part is…no matter how much you prepare..you are never prepared for that feeling of complete loss, for the instant tears and the pain in your heart.  My gran was a truly amazing person.  She was a daughter, a wife, a sister, a mother, a grand mother and a great-grandmother.  But more than any of these she was one of my closest friends and my partner in crime.  My heart breaks for my brother…he’s so far away.  As most of you know my sis-in-law is pregnant and she was actually due last week saturday…which means that my little nephew is currently more than a week late already.  My gran will never know that her great-grandson was born healthy and beautiful….well, not on earth anyway.

She wouldn’t want us to mourn…of this much I’m sure.  She’d want us to celebrate her truly remarkable life and to be comforted in the knowledge that she is reunited with my darling grampa and that she has gone home.  But as hard as I may try I can’t even begin to think of her without bursting into tears.  It hurts so much to think that I will now be living in a world without her.  I suppose this too shall pass…and with time only the good and fond and loving memories shall remain.

I’m grateful she didn’t suffer and that she went peacefully.  And I’m grateful she went while she still had dignity and a small amount of independence.  I’m grateful I got to say goodbye.  And I’m infinitely grateful for the role she played in my life.

I love you gran…and I miss you.  You will always have a very special place in my heart.

All my love
Your Ruby
xxxxx

Dear number 122

So tonight is the last night I’ll ever sleep here.  It feels weird being here with it looking nothing like a place I would live in.  All the boxes stacked in the lounge…the only thing left untouched is my bed…so that I can sleep in it tonight.

Tonight I am overwhelmed by excitement, stress, happiness, sadness and a general feeling of…well…overwhelmedness (if I can put it like that).  I’m very excited about the new house.  I fell in love with it the moment I first saw it and I’m definitely looking forward to having a dedicated office rather than having 40 lever arch files in my lounge.  I’ll also have a little garden and a porch and a nice big kitchen and the living area is big enough that I’ll be able to get that much wanted dining room table.  I’m stressed because…well..moving is stressful no matter how you look at it.  And having packers doing everything this time round was even more stressful, as I had no control over what was happening.  Hiring a company to do everything was the best and the worst decision I ever made:P

But lying in my bed typing this I also feel a great sadness.  This little house of mine holds so many amazing memories…and I’m almost scared I’m going to lose them because I will no longer be here.  Now I know that’s absolutely ridiculous on the face of it…but I think it’s a very human reaction actually.  I’ve learned so many things…experienced so many more things..and i’ve grown so much while living here that there is a little irrational part of me that’s sad because I think I might lose it.

But most of all I think I just feel overwhelmed in general….for a million different reasons which I’m finding hard to explain in words.

Thank you, 122, for some awesome memories. For being here to witness the last 2 years, for being a really awesome home.  Be assured that if it wasn’t for the fact that I desperately need a dedicated study/office I would definitely not be moving.

Love
Ruby
xxxx