I have no words….

I have no words to even begin to explain how I feel.  I have no words that can successfully explain just how shattered my heart is.  I feel like it’s been ripped into a million pieces and they all fell shattered to the floor.

This afternoon I finally got the call that I had been dreading and preparing for, for weeks.  My gran passed away *sob*.  We all knew it was coming.  In fact, those of you who know me well, know that I flew done to Durban not so long ago because she was in hospital and on her death-bed.  Against all odds she managed to go home, walk around at home and chat to us on the phone as if nothing had happened.  The cancer however, was back.  And while none of us told her about it as her body was too old and frail to do anything about it…it didn’t change the fact that it was slowly sucking the life from her.  It has been a heart wrenching few weeks…hearing the deterioration in her voice whenever we spoke to her, getting the feedback from my aunt that she was indeed going backwards…and then finally today…the news we had all sadly been waiting for.

The really sad part is…no matter how much you prepare..you are never prepared for that feeling of complete loss, for the instant tears and the pain in your heart.  My gran was a truly amazing person.  She was a daughter, a wife, a sister, a mother, a grand mother and a great-grandmother.  But more than any of these she was one of my closest friends and my partner in crime.  My heart breaks for my brother…he’s so far away.  As most of you know my sis-in-law is pregnant and she was actually due last week saturday…which means that my little nephew is currently more than a week late already.  My gran will never know that her great-grandson was born healthy and beautiful….well, not on earth anyway.

She wouldn’t want us to mourn…of this much I’m sure.  She’d want us to celebrate her truly remarkable life and to be comforted in the knowledge that she is reunited with my darling grampa and that she has gone home.  But as hard as I may try I can’t even begin to think of her without bursting into tears.  It hurts so much to think that I will now be living in a world without her.  I suppose this too shall pass…and with time only the good and fond and loving memories shall remain.

I’m grateful she didn’t suffer and that she went peacefully.  And I’m grateful she went while she still had dignity and a small amount of independence.  I’m grateful I got to say goodbye.  And I’m infinitely grateful for the role she played in my life.

I love you gran…and I miss you.  You will always have a very special place in my heart.

All my love
Your Ruby
xxxxx

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10 thoughts on “I have no words….

  1. You are in my thought my friend. She is much better off where she is now though. Watching over you.

    Biggest of hugs.

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