I can’t believe it’s been a year

The last year has flown by at the speed of light…I’m convinced of this. It feels like only a few weeks ago that my father called to break the bad news. The news that obliterated a part of the little world I live in. My gran had passed away. It hadn’t been a complete shock, as we had been expecting it for months, but it didn’t make the hurt any less. She was my gran, my friend and one of my biggest fans, and I miss her every single day. She is far happier where she is now in a world without pain and sickness and sadness, I know this. And while it doesn’t make me miss her any less, the thought of her in a happy, pain-free world… makes me happy:) So this post is me remembering her with a smile (admittedly one through a sheen of tears, but a smile none the less). Love you Ouma:)

I don’t do weepy well

I am generally a very upbeat person. I’m not prone to feeling sad or overly emotional and something I definitely only experience on very rare occasions is loneliness. I mean sure, I can bitch and moan along with the best of them when I’m having a bad day. But I’m rarely reduced to tears, and having a complete and utter pity party is a concept that is mostly foreign to me.

So you can imagine my absolute horror when my day pretty much went something like this. Work…..burst into tears for no apparent reason….totally annoyed with emotional reaction to seemingly nothing…..work…nobody loves me….totally annoyed with emotional reaction to nothing…..work….bursts into tears….totally annoyed with emotional reaction to nothing….feels completely alone in the world…more tears. It’s DUMB!

I’m not prone to being emotional due to hormones (before anyone asks) and well…i’m just not very prone to negative emotions and sadness in general. Which means that my reaction not only surprises me, but also annoys me. I don’t do weepy well…it’s just not my thing.

I finally gave up on work for a bit and had a cup of tea. I had to get to the bottom of this. I’m generally under a lot of pressure workwise, but this week has not been the greatest ever and brought on meetings with news of even less sleep and even less of a social life for at least the next month. I’ve been given completely impossible deadlines…and while i generally have an attitude of “BRING IT ON”, this time round I’m doing my absolute best but I suspect that I might not make it. Being down in the dumps was counter productive and I was counting on my cup of tea to help me get to the bottom of this. And then, as I was sitting there getting annoyed with my emotions’ inability to comprehend the pressure I’m under, it dawned on me. My emotional wobble is most probably completely and utterly stress related.

My solution to this problem? I’ve given my workload the instruction to kiss my ass, at least until Sunday. Tonight i plan on watching series and drinking wine, tomorrow I’ll be having coffee and cupcakes for breakfast with a good friend in town while she takes professional pics (she’s a photographer) and i tinker about with instagram:P, followed by a hopefully fun and inspiring late lunch with some fabulous girls. I’ve also decided to stop hmmmming and aaahing and just go ahead and book my holiday in August…I also spent a delightful hour researching my options on how to make it 2 weeks instead of just one and all the lovely places I can go see. And just like that the tears are gone, I feel loved and cared for again. I told you…it’s DUMB.

Work isn’t everything. Having a life is important. But at the same time….I refuse to admit defeat. I WILL make this deadline. It will probably mean little to no sleep for the next 3 weeks, very little down time and well…pulling a bit of an MIA in all aspects of my life. But I’m starting it off right. Taking the time to rally my forces by spoiling myself and then pulling yet another miracle out of the hat. Because you know…I’m a superhero:P (just kidding!) I’m probably more like a magician anyway:P

Love
Ruby
xxxx

Dear Negative people

Sometimes I wonder how many of us stop to think about what we say/tweet/blog. I wonder if some people even realise just how negative, whiney and full of complaints they have become.

I’m (mostly) a very positive person. And even though my job often makes me cynical with regards to trusting people and just how screwed up the justice system is everywhere, I tend to be the person who sees silver linings, generally sounds annoyingly chirpy and also the one who gets stupidly happy at the tiniest things. Don’t get me wrong…some days I too feel down in the dumps, some days I complain and some days I whine (especially when I’m sick…I’m completely miserable and pitiful when i’m sick) but this is not an everyday occurrence. And everyone is entitled to complain or a whine or to a negative day from time to time.

But I’ve noticed that more and more people are constantly negative, constantly complaining, constantly whining and constantly a pain in my ass. Every single word that flows out of their mouths/fingers laced with the toxin more commonly known as negativity. If you let it run your life for too long you stop realising that you’re being negative, you fail to recognize the amazing things in your life and you spread negativity to the people around you. You become an increasingly horrible person to be around.

There are few things that annoy me as much as someone who has amazing people in abundance, amazing opportunities and just honestly so many blessing rained on them only for them to not once be grateful, not once say anything positive or happy…just negative negative negative! The sad part is that the external parties are not the only ones to notice. These amazing people who you have in your life…they notice it too. They feel that you don’t value them and that you take them for granted, because if you’re this miserable all the time, surely the people who surround you must feel that it is somehow their fault? And not only that..spending too much time with a negative person is emotionally draining, exhausting and quite frankly unpleasant and because it is so toxic, some of these people will, in time, also become negative. A negative person is also often extremely self-centered. Everything is a crisis, everything is horrible and in everything they ARE the victim, not because they’re actually the victim, but because they choose to act like the victim. There are days when I feel like saying “Get your head out of your ass, it’s not a hat” (to quote Pitch Perfect). I mean if your head is up there to begin with, I suppose it makes sense that you have such a crappy outlook on life.

After putting up with a lot of the negativity from a lot of people over time I have finally come to the conclusion that I need to do what makes me happy. I need to, at least to an extent, distance myself from the negative people in my life. Guys, I love you dearly, but realise for once that life is not that bad. Make a point of noticing at least one good thing a day, because I can guarantee you that your life does not suck, you just choose to see it that way.

Love
Ruby
xxxxxx

Dear Flirty Thirty

As more and more of my friends approach, and then turn 30, I’m amused at the general emotional upheaval it seems to bring and my lack of such reactions at the time. I didn’t stress, I didn’t have an emotional wobbly because I’m suddenly “old” (30 is NOT old btw) and I certainly didn’t have the sudden realisation that my biological clock might be running out…nothing. In fact, my reaction was quite the opposite. I approached the day with a quiet excitement and contentment. Looking forward to entering a new adventure in life.

Why the lack of negative emotion associated with the age? I have no idea. Why do girls even have negative emotions at the thought of turning 30 anyway? Is it because they feel they haven’t achieved everything they set out for themselves when they mere children approaching adulthood and thought they knew what they wanted? Or could it maybe be that as an 18-year-old 30 sounded really old and somehow they’ve managed to lodge that thought in their heads when it comes to being 30? Or do they believe that when the clock strikes midnight and you hit 30 your face will suddenly be filled with wrinkles, your boobs will sag, you’ll lose the ability to attract men, you will no longer be able to have children and you will miraculously gain about 10kgs?

The truth is: I have no idea why girls tend to strike an emotional wobbly about the big three oh. In fact, I’m not even sure i know why turning 30 is a big deal at all. What I can tell you however is that somewhere, somehow, mysteriously being 30 changes you. The changes aren’t big but they are THERE and I’ve come to realise I love them. I’m not sure if it happens to everyone…but I’ve come to learn that in the last 7 months I’ve developed more confidence in who I am, how I look, what I want and my attitude of not settling for what I don’t want and not wanting to waste my time has escalated slightly. Not to the point of being a spoiled brat ( I KNOW you can’t always get what you want) but just enough that I refuse to waste my time with people who are bad for me. I’ve become more likely to step away from a situation and realise that the people in the situation are bad for my soul. And this is a good thing.

My two cents on turning 30? Embrace it! Grab it! Love who you are no matter what your age. And at the risk of sounding epically cheesy…age really is just a number. It’s about what’s going on in your head and your heart, not the year you were born in.

Love
Ruby
xxx

Dear 2012

I can hardly believe that I’m sitting here writing my annual “end of year” blog already. It feels like just yesterday that I was jetting off to the States to see in the new year in Times Square with my closest friend. But here I am, looking back and reflecting on the year that’s been. My initial reaction when thinking about this year is that it was a really really tough one…but it wasn’t all bad. There was a lot of good contained in this year too…a lot of happy moment shared by myself and the ones I consider dear to me.

Every year I write a little post listing big events or things I’ve learnt and this year shall be no different. Please feel free to add anything I’ve missed in the comment sections…since you guys share such a big part of my life anyway:)

I kicked of the year with a massive party in my favourite city in the whole world. My close friend and I traveled to the States to conquer Washington DC and New York and to party in Time’s square along with millions of other people. It was one of the most memorable experiences of my entire life, and to be honest when I think about it I can almost not believe that I was really there:)
The rest of our holiday in the US and I extended my stay with a week to go visit my brother and sister-in-law.
I get to spend my brother’s birthday with him for the first time in many years
I felt Baby B (nephew) kick for the first time and I accompanied my sister-in-law on one of her visits and was able to hear his little heart beat. I’m not broody at all…never have been. But hearing that little heart beat…my eyes filled with tears and that little baby stole my heart right then and there…even though he was still a few months away from being born.
The Italian somehow managed to squeeze over my walls and swept me off my feet…sadly it didn’t last and later in 2012 we broke up.
After months of waiting (having ordered it in October 2011 already) and secret keeping (very few people knew) my gorgeous and epic car arrived in January. My little MINI, spec’d to a level of crazy and exactly as I wanted it:) MINI FTW!!!
For the first time I was faced with the harsh realities of being self-employed. It’s a scary world and I’m grateful that it was only a small scare.
My gran became seriously ill and was admitted to a hospital in Durban. I flew down for one night as we were all convinced she wouldn’t make it thought the weekend. I return to Jozi broken-hearted, convinced I’d never speak to her again
My gran makes a miraculous recovery from the pneumonia and is sent home…but the cancer is back with a vengeance and we all know it won’t be long.
My close friend got engaged to the girl who stole his heart:)
Early one morning I ended up in ER with everyone convinced I was having a heart attack. Biggest SCARE EVER! I made hospital art after the ECG.
I move into a new home. I LOVE it! probably twice the size of my previous place and I have a little garden.
I meet the neighbourlady…which in the few months that I’ve lived in the new place, has become an amazing friend.
My gran passed away peacefully while taking an afternoon nap. I think this was the one single event that shaped my opinion of this year. It broke me. Utterly and completely. She was the strongest most amazing woman, she was my best friend and just like that she was no longer with us. I still feel my eyes filling with tears just thinking about it. I miss her so very much.
Baby B is born the day after my gran passed away. The most beautiful and perfect little boy and despite not actually being able to hold and cuddle him he has stolen my heart:)
My mother receives my grandmother’s Ruby ring that my grandfather gave her on their 40th wedding anniversary and she decides to give it to me. Ruby being my birthstone and all. (happy tears) I wear it every single day:)
A rather scary event (work related) forces me to reconsider my chosen profession. I love my job…but is it worth the danger I put the people I love in? It took weeks of prayer, planning and a lot of personal analysis to figure this one out.
I took my parentals to see my dad’s all time favourite band when they were in SA – The Moody Blues…what an awesome concert!
I turned the big three oh. Most other people I know had a little episode when they realise they were turning 30…me not so much. If nothing else it has brought me to a place in my life where I’m less concerned about what others think and more about the happiness of myself and the ones I love. It’s brought a new confidence and a happiness all on its own. So I’m 30..so what…age is just a number:) It has also brought along a new motto: Some will, some won’t, so what, next.
I went to see Madame Zingara and became part of the show:P
My mother had to go for a really big operation and I was a complete wreck. Grateful that I was in a position where I was able to work from their home for a week and look after her.
Christmas 2012…our first without my gran…a joyful and sad event.
It’s been a year of incredibly long hours and hard work and a lot of pressure work wise. I still haven’t quite figured out how to relax…I’m trying my best to master this art though:P But I still tend to go overboard and work myself to the edge of a burnout.
I’ve learnt that no matter how hard you try, for some people nothing will ever be good enough.
The ones who hurt us the most are the ones we trust and love the most, because it is to them that we open our hearts, our dreams, our desires and our weaknesses.
I’ve once again realised that you can make really good friends in the most unlikely of places.
Not everyone who proclaims to be your friend will treat you as such.
True friends are worth more to me than any riches
People will judge and oppose that which they do not understand.
It has been a long year…I’m beyond tired and I’m still working. No holiday plans for me yet and it was with shock that I realised that I haven’t been off since returning from the States in January. Not a weekend away, not a weekend off, mostly work work work and more work. But it has been a good year and despite some events that made it seem like a yucky year I have been blessed. I realise that a lot of people who read my blog do not share my beliefs when it comes to God, but how can I say goodbye to a year without including the most important part of who I am and what I believe. God has provided me with a lot of grace and love and understanding and comfort this year. He has also blessed me in ways I can not even begin to explain or even comprehend. He is my Rock:)

Well my lovelies, I think that about sums it up. My 2012 in a nutshell.
As far as 2013 goes…I think this is going to be a big year all round. There are many exciting things in the pipeline…weddings, engagements, work things, friend things, family things and hopefully some epic holidays and fun times with the people dear to me. I wish you guys all the best for 2013. Make every single day count. Do what makes you happy. Take responsibility for your actions. Tell the people you love that you love them as often as you can…they might not have a tomorrow. Laugh a lot. Dance and be silly. Work hard. Do your best in all you do. 2013…look out, we’re coming for you!

Love
Ruby
xxxx

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Category: Life