Ha! I’ve got it! I know exactly how you manage to have those bulging lips of yours. And yes, I do believe you…..you don’t use botox, you don’t need to, you have a much better, foolproof way of getting your lips to look all swollen and pouty.

I promise to keep your little secret well….a secret. As long as you don’t mind making a quick deposit of about $5 000 000 into my bank account, nobody needs to know about this sordid little affair.

I don’t plan on haunting you about this for the rest of your life, and one payment should be quite enough to last me a lifetime. Please do not flatter yourself by thinking that I’ve made it my life mission to try and figure out how you get your lips so puffy, actually, I stumbled across it quite by accident. Or should we rather say slammed into it?

You see…..we have this lovely little swing door in our office. The large office multi-function printer stands right behind it, and in the past 3 years this silly little door has been the source of many bruises. Somebody comes banging it open from the hallway right into the unsuspecting idiot on the other side.

So yesterday, as I was waiting for a set of financials to print, i urgently had to write something down for my PA. So I lean over the desk (standing right next to the door) and start writing. The other manager banged the door open from the other side (quite forcefuly I might add) and hit me smack right in the face. More specifically right across my mouth.

My first thought, apart from the pain that shot through my whole body, was that I lost my front teeth. Luckily, they were all there, red stained by blood, but safe and sound. My lips, however, didn’t get off that easy! They ballooned to “Angelina Jolie” proportions in record time. As I tried to stop the bleeding from the cut on the outside, from the door, and the one on the inside, from my teeth, everybody else tried to pack my face with ice packs. I’ve managed to control the worst of the swelling, and the cut on the outside of my mouth doesn’t look too bad and is quite small.

But as I was looking at the mirror in disgust at these large lips of mine, it suddenly hit me! (No not the door) This is how she does it!!! You just get old Brad to hit you in the face with a door or his fist every now and again don’t you?? To keep them all swollen and puffy. It’s no wonder you’re so skinny…your mouth is so painful from all the beating and doorbanging that you can’t eat!

So, if you could ever so kindly deposit a couple of bucks into my account, i’ll ensure that this never ever reaches the outside world. If, however, I do not hear anything from you in the next 10 days, you can be sure that you’ll be reading all about it on the internet. News24, PerezHilton, whatever…the world is my playground.

I’ll be in touch with my account details etc.

Regards

Ruby

I certainly hope that this letter will find you. That you are OK, that you haven’t drowned, weren’t raped, weren’t killed and that you at some point got back your sanity.

Late saturday night Artist and I decided that a walk on the beach would be good. So, with the green fairy in hand we missioned down to the beach. We didn’t wander very far, and found the perfect spot to sit down and have a good chat. At some point you came running down the beach. You didn’t even notice the two of us. My first reaction was one of surprise since you were wearing rather expensive looking boots and fancy pants clothing. Then all of a sudden, you turned and rain straight into the water.

We yelled, but you didn’t respond. Then, after a couple of minutes you wandered to more shallow water. And then you just fell over with you face flat in the water and the sand. Artist and i made a mad dash, but then you sat up, and we stopped. Watching you, fearing for you. You were breaking my heart. You were definitely on a bad trip, you were all alone and you were uncontrolable.

Then, as we moved ever so slowly closer to you, not wanting to frighten you, you jumped up and dashed down the beach. We turned and ran too, but before our very eyes you disappeared into the darkness ahead. And as the sound of your footfalls slowly quieted down, despair grabbed at our hearts.

You were gone, we didn’t have a flashlight, we were only two, the beach area is vast and we had no idea where to even begin looking. We finally gave up after about an hour of running, searching and shouting and headed back to the flat. There was no car in the parking lot, and we had no idea how on earth you even got to the beach.

Luckily I have a friend who works for the SAPD in Durban. He didn’t mind being woken up at 1 in the morning(thank goodness) and they sent out a couple of guys to comb the beach. There was no sign of you…and by sunrise they finally gave up.

It’s so sad to think how lonely you must be. How bad the trip was, and that you were just left there alone. I feel bad for not helping you. I feel responsible, and if ever i had to find out that you died that night…i don’t think i’ll ever be able to forgive myself. Poor artist had his hands full trying to convince me that there wasn’t much more that could be done. I still don’t believe him. There must have been something that we could have done to stop you.

If you ever get this letter, please let me know you’re OK. I think this will haunt me for a long time. The feeling of helplessness and the knowledge that you must have given up on hope and on life is breaking my heart. I’ll say a little prayer for you, and I’ll beg God to keep you safe, to give you hope and to give you the ability to find love again. That is, if it isn’t too late already.

Love

Ruby

Please please please, for the sake of my sanity and mental well-being, never ever do that to me again OK? I have been worried sick for the last 20 hours. I haven’t been able to sleep and i wasn’t really in the mood to do much eating either.

Setting the fact that I was stood up aside, though goodness knows that would be enough to drive any woman crazy, the little bone i have to pick with you has more to do with your little disappearing act. But for the sake of being thorough, lets start near the beginning somewhere.

Your fascinating and unusual past and interesting current life situation snared me from the moment i laid my eyes on you. Now don’t get me wrong. This little snaring action had nothing at all to do with romance, and everything to do with the fact that i love people, their habits, their histories and there general characters.

Despite your cold hearted, death metalish, gangsta man past, you have surprisingly soft eyes. And your chin, although set at a very determined angle, speaks of compasion and a love for everything around you. But before i become completely distracted, let me return to the purpose of this letter.

You’ve been nagging me for a coffee date for weeks. Sulkishly complaining that I haven’t been able to fit you into my insane schedule. Then on Tuesday we finally managed to set a date that suited us both….the very next evening:-) After all the speeches i gave you about booking me in advance you managed to get a short notice appointment…nice!

When i tried to contact you yesterday to confirm details your phone just rang. I wasn’t worried and left a voice message knowing that you’ll return the call as soon as possible, as always. Except, you didn’t call back. I sms’d you an hour before the scheduled time, but still no reply. And then, to my absolute horror, you didn’t show up at the coffee bar.

I phoned, again! It rang for ages and finally went to voicemail. Problem was, i couldn’t decide whether i was upset with you for “bumping” me or freaking out because “not showing up”, not phoning and not returning messages is not your style. I packed up, went home and tried to remain calm.

But i’m a tad paranoid by nature, so my mind kept jumping to the worst conclusions ever. You were in an accident. You were hi-jacked. You were taken hostage in an armed robbery somewhere. You were lying in a ditch, riddled with bulletholes. And then the one thought which managed to send me over the edge just a little…….You’re an ex-gangsta right? So what if some of your old buddies found you?

At about 10 i finally surrendered to the feelings of paranoia which had been nagging at the edge of my mind all day and i phoned your best friend. He didn’t know where you were either…but he promised to try your home number as well as a couple of other places you might be…sweet sweet boy he is. I managed to calm myself down a little after that, but the frantic call I received 15minutes later threw me back into the pits of paranoia. He couldn’t find you. Your home phone just rang, so did your cellphone, and nobody knew where on earth you could possibly be. Everybody was under the impression you were having coffee with me.

Needless to say I didn’t sleep very well:-( I looked like crap this morning and couldn’t pull off my normal trick of spending literally 30seconds on make-up. I had to do some damange control. I’ve been jumpy all morning, and everytime the phone rings i expect it to be someone telling me that you were dead, that i had to come see you in some obscure hospital, that your old buddies were demanding a ransom that we couldn’t pay.

Then, when you finally did phone this afternoon i didn’t know whether i wanted to hug you or slap you! You forgot your phone in a friends car…so you couldn’t phone, and you spent the whole night in a hospital with a friend who had a car accident last night….so you didn’t pitch. I’m still not quite sure whether i’m upset or just relieved that you are OK.

I have to give you credit for the way you apologized and for the big bunch of flowers you promised. But please dude, don’t ever do this to me again OK? The last 20 hours have been sheer hell for this here little girl. You see, i’m one of those people who have to fuss over other people. I worry about them all the time and do nice things for them because i like to make people feel special. So do you understand how your little disappearing act sent me into “freak out” mode?

Anyway, firstly…apology accepted. Even if i didn’t feel like forgiving you(which i do) i’d seem like an utter biatch if i didn’t….you were at a hospital with a friend after all. Secondly, yes, i suppose i could reschedule and go out for coffee with you….but just remember that a woman’s memory is like an elephant. We never forget. So the fact that you stood me up, noble and heroic as your reason might have been, will unfortunately haunt you forever. You’re gonna have to work really hard to get my mind past that one:) See you tonight!

Hugs

Ruby

P.S. I hope your friend is OK?