Ha! I’ve got it! I know exactly how you manage to have those bulging lips of yours. And yes, I do believe you…..you don’t use botox, you don’t need to, you have a much better, foolproof way of getting your lips to look all swollen and pouty.
I promise to keep your little secret well….a secret. As long as you don’t mind making a quick deposit of about $5 000 000 into my bank account, nobody needs to know about this sordid little affair.
I don’t plan on haunting you about this for the rest of your life, and one payment should be quite enough to last me a lifetime. Please do not flatter yourself by thinking that I’ve made it my life mission to try and figure out how you get your lips so puffy, actually, I stumbled across it quite by accident. Or should we rather say slammed into it?
You see…..we have this lovely little swing door in our office. The large office multi-function printer stands right behind it, and in the past 3 years this silly little door has been the source of many bruises. Somebody comes banging it open from the hallway right into the unsuspecting idiot on the other side.
So yesterday, as I was waiting for a set of financials to print, i urgently had to write something down for my PA. So I lean over the desk (standing right next to the door) and start writing. The other manager banged the door open from the other side (quite forcefuly I might add) and hit me smack right in the face. More specifically right across my mouth.
My first thought, apart from the pain that shot through my whole body, was that I lost my front teeth. Luckily, they were all there, red stained by blood, but safe and sound. My lips, however, didn’t get off that easy! They ballooned to “Angelina Jolie” proportions in record time. As I tried to stop the bleeding from the cut on the outside, from the door, and the one on the inside, from my teeth, everybody else tried to pack my face with ice packs. I’ve managed to control the worst of the swelling, and the cut on the outside of my mouth doesn’t look too bad and is quite small.
But as I was looking at the mirror in disgust at these large lips of mine, it suddenly hit me! (No not the door) This is how she does it!!! You just get old Brad to hit you in the face with a door or his fist every now and again don’t you?? To keep them all swollen and puffy. It’s no wonder you’re so skinny…your mouth is so painful from all the beating and doorbanging that you can’t eat!
So, if you could ever so kindly deposit a couple of bucks into my account, i’ll ensure that this never ever reaches the outside world. If, however, I do not hear anything from you in the next 10 days, you can be sure that you’ll be reading all about it on the internet. News24, PerezHilton, whatever…the world is my playground.
I’ll be in touch with my account details etc.