I would appreciate it if you could cut me some slack right about now *pulls face*.

OK, so it’s not ALL bad.  In fact, there are one or two super awesome things that have happened of late too. So, let me start with the first and the biggest and the bestest thing.  I passed my MASTERS degree:) Can we get a whoop whoop?  I realise that to some it might seem that I’m making a really big deal out of this, and they might not understand.  But to me this is a big deal.  It’s been 2 years of blood, sweat and tears and about a million sacrifices.  Late nights, no sleep, high stress level and millions of hours of research later and here i stand…i finally made it:)  I was so relieved i felt like crying:)  So allow me to say…yay me! and do a little happy dance and come celebrate with me if you want.

Last week Friday…or rather, the Friday before that….i finally relented and paid a visit to the hospital with regards to the growth in my hand.  The fact that it had been swollen and incredibly painful for days and that the growth had become remarkably bigger was really stressing me out.  Once can’t help but wonder if the original diagnoses saying it was a bone cyst was wrong.  What if it wasn’t something as innocent as all that.  What if it’s a tumor?  So i spent a stressful day at the hospital being sent back and forth between the x-ray department, the specialist the ultrasound people and the doctor. 

The specialist was furious.  The original diagnoses had been wrong.  It wasn’t a cyst at all.  It’s an abnormal growth on the bone, causing lots and lots of damage and which would in time render my right hand absolutely useless.  It had to be removed immediately.  I was booked in for an operation on Tuesday. Panic stations! The specialist assured me that the chances of it being malignant was incredibly small, but they will test it anyway, just to double check.

So on Tuesday morning I was taken to hospital by my awesome friend.  His strength and support and calmness helped more than he could know.  I was on the verge of tears…since the accident i really don’t deal well with hospitals.  Thankfully the operation went off without a hitch and i was cleared for discharge on Tuesday afternoon.  At least i could go and recuperate at home…score!

It’s been a painful and frustrating couple of days.  Having your dominant hand rendered useless and in a lot of pain while living alone is NOT for the feint hearted.  My hand was so swollen that moving it became impossible and my knuckles couldn’t be distinguished from the sausages that were my fingers.  Thankfully most of the swelling is now gone:) I was perfectly miserable and whiny for a couple of days…I’m sure the entire twitter can vouch for that.  But my hand is improving every day and I’ll be back to see the specialist in a week’s time.  I’ve included a couple of pics of the progress:)

But now, the reason for my whiny letter to life, requesting a break is this.  I have the annoying habit of grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw in my sleep when I’m stressed.  Obviously the operation has been quite stressful for me, so I’ve been doing quite a bit of biting in my sleep.  On Saturday evening i woke up in excruciating pain in my lower right jaw.  Not only had I managed to rebreak a tooth i had broken years ago, but i also managed to lodge a piece of broken root in my jaw. *shudder*

By Sunday morning the whole right side of my face was swollen, nothing was helping for the intense pain and nowhere in JHB could i locate an emergency dentist.  Between my hand and my mouth i eventually collapsed in a pathetic little heap of tears and took myself off to casualties to get something for the pain.

Monday was my first day back at work…i won’t lie…it was painful.  But my hand is coming along nicely and this made me smile.  My mouth however was a completely different story.  The dentist is unable to help me until we can get the swelling down.  He did however take an X-ray and was horrified at the way that the root had broken off inside the gum and managed to lodge itself in the jaw.  He’s prescribed super strong painkillers and anti-biotics…i hope they start working ASAP…can’t really handle much more of this.  This also means that my as yet untainted mouth (no cavities, no fillings, nothing) will no contain remain untainted:/  I’ll be going in on Thursday (he’s kind enough to help me on the public holiday) to have an implant done.  Bye bye Christmas bonus…as my medical aid will not be covering this rather expensive procedure.

Now can you see where I’m coming from begging for a break?  What i have learned in the last two weeks is that when it rains it definitely always pours….this applies to both the good and the bad in life.  The trick is not to drown but to learn to dance in the rain.

Love
Ruby
xxxx

Sometimes you can be such a silly girl! I started this post as my standard ‘dear readers’ post, but then i realised that i already did one of those this week…and i don’t really want to bore my readers. So instead I’ve decided to write myself a little note and a bit of a reprimand for being silly.

Today I’m having an insecure day *sigh*.  To be honest…i can’t complain.  I don’t have these often.  But today is just one of those days where i feel insecure.  And the fact that i KNOW it is both stupid and unreasonable just makes me feel irritated with myself. 

I’ve taken the ‘If i can’t see it, it can’t see me’ approach…which pretty much means I’m ignoring my stupidity and living the day as if it doesn’t exist….the problem with this approach is that it isn’t a very successful one. The insecurity is still there…glaring at me…pfffffft!

What exactly am i insecure about? I don’t know.  I’m just feeling generally unsure of myself.  Maybe it relates to the harsh realisation I had this morning when i woke up.  My life is about to undergo a very big change in the next 4 months or so.  I plan on moving jobs.  Where will I work? Will I stay in JHB? Will other things in my life work out the way i want them to? Then there is also my sometimes cynical and ‘conspiracy theory based’ outlook on life.  What if everything blows up in my face? What if none of this is real? So many what if, and where’s and when’s and what’s.  It’s left my head spinning just a bit and most probably led to my bout of insecurity with regards to EVERYTHING today.

So, my dear and darling Ruby.  Snap out of it! And with that I mean right now! The future is looking bright and exciting.  And yes, i realise that you don’t know exactly what will be happening in the next couple of months…but this only means that the future is filled with endless possibility.    Also, the whole world is NOT conspiring against you.  The people who take time to listen, spend time, show you that they care and tell you this really DO care.  They’re not all about to turn on you and laugh at you for being silly enough to trust them, or for sharing your dreams with them.  They wouldn’t go out of their way just to hurt you….and if they do this is more the exception than the rule.

Funny thing is…I’ve had a really good day so far.  I’m not feeling down or scared or unhappy or anything of the sort.  I’m in a happy and silly mood….there is just this tiny little jackal of a feeling gnawing at my ankles and it is irritating me.    Maybe just actually saying it out loud instead of ignoring it will give me power over it.  In fact, I’m convinced of this.

I’m a very blessed little girl, and i plan on reminding myself of this all the time.  I have a bright future ahead of me and a close circle of people around me that love me and care for me and only want the best for me:)  Insecurities…pfffffft! what are those! *take THAT stupid irrational feeling*

Love
Ruby
xxxxx

Update: writing this earlier and actually figuring out WHY i was being all stupid actually helped:) feeling MUCH better now:) Yay for the therapy writing brings:)

Happy Thanksgiving!  Hope you have a truly awesome day and that your thanksgiving day feast is memorable….I’m also hoping you guys get to play loads of shuffle board today (if the weather permits):)

I figured since we can’t be there to celebrate this day of thanksgiving with you I’d do a post with a list of things that I’m grateful for.  So here goes:)

I’m thankful for:
……..having people in my life to love and being loved in return.
……..a family that truly has my back at all times.
……..awesome friends:)
……..my new home! I can’t believe it took me 5 and a half years to move closer to work…My life has changed completely.  Also, because the new home doesn’t have damp problems I’m not sick all the time.  Haven’t had bronchitis or pneumonia since moving.
……..the fact that my masters degree is now done and dusted.  Now i just have to continue to wait until the results come out.
……..having people in my life who really really care for me.  Who would do anything for me.
……..being so close to someone that you experience their presence even when they aren’t with you.
……..grace. 
……..a God who loves me.
……..apple juice! you have no idea how much i adore apple juice:) I always have some in my fridge.
……..my iPad and iPhone…yes, this sounds ridiculous and insanely superficial.  It’s OK…i can deal with that. They’ve made my life so much easier, efficient and entertaining.
……..having a job and surviving.  I’ve met too many people this year who really suffer financially.  People who want to work and don’t have jobs.
……..second chances.  None of us deserve them, but they are the most amazing things when given to someone who really wants to make a difference.
………new opportunities and an exciting future.
………good music:) It’s the thing that keeps my soul alive.
………certain things happening in certain parts of my life.
………risks that were taken and the amazing returns because of it.

I think that the point I’m trying to make is that even when we go through tough times, and even when we are whiny and difficult and sad.  Or when we’re happy and excited about life….there is always a lot that we can give thanks for. 

I love you, and I miss you both so very much! Can’t wait for the little visit in just over a month.

Much love
Ruby
xxxxx