Dear Ruby

Sometimes you can be such a silly girl! I started this post as my standard ‘dear readers’ post, but then i realised that i already did one of those this week…and i don’t really want to bore my readers. So instead I’ve decided to write myself a little note and a bit of a reprimand for being silly.

Today I’m having an insecure day *sigh*.  To be honest…i can’t complain.  I don’t have these often.  But today is just one of those days where i feel insecure.  And the fact that i KNOW it is both stupid and unreasonable just makes me feel irritated with myself. 

I’ve taken the ‘If i can’t see it, it can’t see me’ approach…which pretty much means I’m ignoring my stupidity and living the day as if it doesn’t exist….the problem with this approach is that it isn’t a very successful one. The insecurity is still there…glaring at me…pfffffft!

What exactly am i insecure about? I don’t know.  I’m just feeling generally unsure of myself.  Maybe it relates to the harsh realisation I had this morning when i woke up.  My life is about to undergo a very big change in the next 4 months or so.  I plan on moving jobs.  Where will I work? Will I stay in JHB? Will other things in my life work out the way i want them to? Then there is also my sometimes cynical and ‘conspiracy theory based’ outlook on life.  What if everything blows up in my face? What if none of this is real? So many what if, and where’s and when’s and what’s.  It’s left my head spinning just a bit and most probably led to my bout of insecurity with regards to EVERYTHING today.

So, my dear and darling Ruby.  Snap out of it! And with that I mean right now! The future is looking bright and exciting.  And yes, i realise that you don’t know exactly what will be happening in the next couple of months…but this only means that the future is filled with endless possibility.    Also, the whole world is NOT conspiring against you.  The people who take time to listen, spend time, show you that they care and tell you this really DO care.  They’re not all about to turn on you and laugh at you for being silly enough to trust them, or for sharing your dreams with them.  They wouldn’t go out of their way just to hurt you….and if they do this is more the exception than the rule.

Funny thing is…I’ve had a really good day so far.  I’m not feeling down or scared or unhappy or anything of the sort.  I’m in a happy and silly mood….there is just this tiny little jackal of a feeling gnawing at my ankles and it is irritating me.    Maybe just actually saying it out loud instead of ignoring it will give me power over it.  In fact, I’m convinced of this.

I’m a very blessed little girl, and i plan on reminding myself of this all the time.  I have a bright future ahead of me and a close circle of people around me that love me and care for me and only want the best for me:)  Insecurities…pfffffft! what are those! *take THAT stupid irrational feeling*


Update: writing this earlier and actually figuring out WHY i was being all stupid actually helped:) feeling MUCH better now:) Yay for the therapy writing brings:)


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