I have so many emotions and thoughts running around in my head that I have no idea how to put them down on paper, much less blurt them out in a conversation. I realise that I’m famous for my extreme and incurable case of Foot in Mouth disease, but there are times when even I struggle to grasp words, any words to express what’s going on in my little world.
We’ve been friends for a very long time the two of us. I was there when your whole world collapsed, I was there during the period that you rebuilt it…doing more than my fair share to help. I saw you meet the love of your life, and I made an effort to get to know her and to be her friend, initially for your sake, but later, for hers. She’s an amazing lady….full of love and charm and although she is in many ways the exact opposite of me, we get along like a house on fire. The only thing to ever mar our friendship was…..well…you. Even though she knows she has nothing to fear, she can’t help but feel insecure about our friendship. So we decided to bridge the gap for her…..we stopped sharing long standing private jokes, we ensured that we never spent time alone, always including her in everything…and it worked. Until now.
The other night you phoned me at about 9. Please could you come for coffee. I was under the impression that she would be joining us, and being the little night owl that I am, I didn’t mind. Great was my surprise when you showed up on your own. I was really glad to see you, but the first thing that jumped out of my mouth the second you got out of the car was:”Where is she??” You became slightly evasive and told me that she went on holiday with her folks…..leaving you behind for a week. I’ve never been good at keeping my mouth shut, so I just jumped right in and wanted to know why on earth she would go on holiday without you, considering that it would have been completely possible for you to join her….You didn’t have an answer.
It’s no secret between us that there was a stage, a couple of months before you got engaged, that you were in love with me…and passionately so. I didn’t feel the same, and after long talks you accepted it, you even managed to talk to you wife to be about it, telling her about your silliness and the realisation that it wasn’t real. I was relieved and happy that it was all out in the open, crisis averted.
I’ll be honest….I’m worried, really worried. The fact that you came to see me alone, hardly answered any of my questions about the two of you, and then proceeded to tell me that you didn’t tell her that you were coming to see me and would appreciate it if I didn’t tell her either……I’m actually feeling kind of sick with worry. You never seem to smile any more, yet when the two of you are together you act as if everything is just peachy, and maybe it is, I’m just not convinced.
I’ve given you an ultimatum. Tell her you came to visit me while she was away or I will. Maybe i’m making a mountain from a molehill. But considering the current situation, and the history, I don’t want anybody pointing fingers at me saying that I was the cause of a failed marriage. I didn’t do anything wrong, I know that much….but I need you to tell her that you were at my house…even if it’s only for the sake of my sanity.
You’re like my brother, and I would do almost anything to see you happy and excited about life. But I refuse to be part of something that makes me feel dirty, even though i didn’t do anything wrong. Am I just being paranoid? Do I have reason to be worried? Why does everything always have to be so complicated…*sigh*