I feel stupid writing this letter for 2 reasons. Firstly, I think it’s slightly selfish and totally egocentric to write a letter addressed to yourself two times in row. Usually i don’t indulge in these little pity parties, but pls allow me to get on my soap box once again and preach to myself. Secondly, why do I need to write a letter? I mean seriously, I’m in touch with myself all the time aren’t I? Can’t i just shift this little speech from heart to brain without having to actually write it out?
But then when i started thinking about it, i realised that the reason i didn’t want to write this letter was not because it was selfish, or because it was stupid. It was because if i actually managed to put it into writing it would be official, serious and “out there”. A scary thought for little old me. But i’ve started writing, so i might as well tap dance through it.
I haven’t exactly got all that much to say to myself, but this particular issue is one that i’ve always struggled with. One that i’ve been reprimanded about by other people, especially AK, on numerous occasions, and one that i’ve noticed I still haven’t been able to control.
People tend to confide in me a lot. Tell me their secrets, come to me with their problems, heartache and happiness. They come to me to help them face the reality of what they’ve done, pray with them, pray for them, give advice and generally they come to me because i’m the one person they know will listen without judging them.
It’s taken me a long time to realise this, and the realisation always brings a smile to my face. I love people, I will always have time to listen. But this also brings with it a lot of responsibility, worry and heartache on my side. The responsibility of keeping it a secret, helping where I can, giving the right advice, not forgetting to pray and checking up on them I can handle. The hearthache that generally comes from compassion I can deal with quite easily. But it’s the worry that tends to get me down.
Despite the fact that I’m a little fighter and extremely independant, i sometimes battle to cope with the worry. I’m not worried about me, or work, or normal stuff like that….i worry about the people around me. Their problems, if they’ll cope, are they OK, why couldn’t i do more to help, the emotional scars that they will have to deal with, will they ever be happy. These are just some of the things that haunt my dreams and my everyday life
I’ve learnt that I’m like a little sponge. I absorb all this worry, sadness and negativity, and the more i absorb it, the more sad, tired and depressed I become. Then, one day, I’ll just have enough. I’ll burst out in tears for nothing(at home, thank goodness) and go and sit at the feet of my Saviour, handing over all the worry and all the sadness and the hearts of the people i love.
Ok, so now I’ve said a whole lot without really saying anything. I guess my big issue is that I tend not to trust the very One that confess to be the my Comforter. I hand over the people I love, begging Him to keep them strong, heal their hurts, keep them safe, make them happy, hold their hands, and for some of them, to bring them back to Him. But i don’t leave it with Him. It’s like i give Him a broken toy to fix, and then just as He wants to start fixing it, I grab it back, skipping along and crying because I still have a broken toy.
Funny enough, when it comes to my own issues I leave my worries and hurts in His hands quite easily. Knowing that he’ll provide and sort them out, and tell me what to do. But when it comes to other people, I keep al the hurt and worry to myself.
So, sweet little Ruby, you need to let go. Be grateful for the love and trust of your friends, share their hurt and live with absolute compassion, but when it comes to the worry and the fixing, just leave that in the hands of your Father. He knows them and you so much better than you do. He knows exactly how to fix it. So cry for them all you want, do what you can to make it easier for them, give advice and love and a safe haven, but don’t let the sadness, the depression and the hurt get imbedded in your being. It’s unhealthy, and it can steal your little ray of sunshine personality in the blink of an eye.
I realise that this is a hard piece of reality to swallow. I know that actually having to read this back to yourself after writing it makes it so much more real than somebody else saying it or you thinking it. But it’s true you know. You’ve known it for so long, but still you struggle with the same thing. It’s time to face reality, and to change it.
Lots and lots of love