Dear sir, madam, thing, beast or whatever the hell you are
I’m writing you this letter because there are a number of things that I need to discuss with you rather urgently. I would appreciate if you could heed these guidelines as soon as possible as some of them are driving me quite insane…(or maybe that’s your plan??)
First of all let me start out by asking how things are on that side of me. Are you coping? I know since Amanda left things have been quite hectic and you’ve been overworked….but Amanda wasn’t an asset to me…she had to go.
One of the issues i need to discuss with you is the fact that i never receive urgent messages from you. They tend to pitch up at the control centre hours after the deadline time. You should know that the fact that i don’t receive messages from you warning me to keep my mouth shut, not to laugh and to generally not do what I’m planing but to rather do the normal thing has landed me in heaps and heaps of trouble. This never used to be a problem, as Amanda had a decent piece of advise whenever the trouble blew up in my face. Now, you might ask me why i fired Amanda. The thing is that you never used to take this long to send messages to begin with, which meant that i didn’t really need Amanda and therefor fired her.
Secondly I would like to point out to you that shouting at me will get you nowhere! I do not respond to loud levels of voice unless it is connected to a particularly enjoyable tune(trust me…..you can’t make an enjoyable tune so don’t even try). In future if you need to discuss something with me please speak at an appropriate volume level or drop me a letter.
Thirdly, and i think this might possibly be the most important point……would you please stop staring at my friend?????? Now, i know he’s a hunk, he’s a musician and he is an incredibly sweet boy…but seriously dude…you’re becoming obvious! If you can’t stop staring please relinquish control over the eyes and head to the control centre or to me personally if the control centre doesn’t have the available staff.
Last but certainly not least. Please would you tell Tallulah who works down there that she has stacked quite enough “J-Lo-stock” as she calls it, and that she can stop now!!!! Its her fault that I’ll have to actually start going to a bloody gym!!! I used to be slender with gorgeous curves…but the curves are getting larger and it seems I’ll actually have to do some exercise for a change…blegh! Tell her some damage control might be in order.
That will be all for now. Thank you so much for your co-operation