I don’t do weepy well

I am generally a very upbeat person.  I’m not prone to feeling sad or overly emotional and something I definitely only experience on very rare occasions is loneliness.  I mean sure, I can bitch and moan along with the best of them when I’m having a bad day.  But I’m rarely reduced to tears, and having a complete and utter pity party is a concept that is mostly foreign to me.

So you can imagine my absolute horror when my day pretty much went something like this. Work…..burst into tears for no apparent reason….totally annoyed with emotional reaction to seemingly nothing…..work…nobody loves me….totally annoyed with emotional reaction to nothing…..work….bursts into tears….totally annoyed with emotional reaction to nothing….feels completely alone in the world…more tears.  It’s DUMB!

I’m not prone to being emotional due to hormones (before anyone asks) and well…i’m just not very prone to negative emotions and sadness in general. Which means that my reaction not only surprises me, but also annoys me.  I don’t do weepy well…it’s just not my thing.

I finally gave up on work for a bit and had a cup of tea. I had to get to the bottom of this. I’m generally under a lot of pressure workwise, but this week has not been the greatest ever and brought on meetings with news of even less sleep and even less of a social life for at least the next month.  I’ve been given completely impossible deadlines…and while i generally have an attitude of “BRING IT ON”, this time round I’m doing my absolute best but I suspect that I might not make it.  Being down in the dumps was counter productive and I was counting on my cup of tea to help me get to the bottom of this.  And then, as I was sitting there getting annoyed with my emotions’ inability to comprehend the pressure I’m under, it dawned on me. My emotional wobble is most probably  completely and utterly stress related.

My solution to this problem? I’ve given my workload the instruction to kiss my ass, at least until Sunday.  Tonight i plan on watching series and drinking wine, tomorrow I’ll be having coffee and cupcakes for breakfast with a good friend in town while she takes professional pics (she’s a photographer) and i tinker about with instagram:P, followed by a hopefully fun and inspiring late lunch with some fabulous girls. I’ve also decided to stop hmmmming and aaahing and just go ahead and book my holiday in August…I also spent a delightful hour researching my options on how to make it 2 weeks instead of just one and all the lovely places I can go see.  And just like that the tears are gone, I feel loved and cared for again.  I told you…it’s DUMB.

Work isn’t everything.  Having a life is important.  But at the same time….I refuse to admit defeat. I WILL make this deadline. It will probably mean little to no sleep for the next 3 weeks, very little down time and well…pulling a bit of an MIA in all aspects of my life. But I’m starting it off right. Taking the time to rally my forces by spoiling myself and then pulling yet another miracle out of the hat.  Because you know…I’m a superhero:P (just kidding!) I’m probably more like a magician anyway:P


Dear Monday

When you decide to give someone a hard time you don’t hold back at all.  You just go out there and give it your worst.  Sadly today, I was your victim.

I haven’t had a blue monday in quite a long time.  In fact, life has been pretty sweet of late.  I’m excited about work, excited about life and even Mondays have seemed like good, brightly coloured days.  Then of course today came along and shattered that illusion..mondays are designed to be blue.  At least that’s how I feel at this moment in time.

The day started out well.  I was able to laze around in bed until quarter to 8.  At this point I jumped out of bed, made the bed, took a shower, got dressed and packed the last few remaining items for my trip.  Off to Namibia for another 2 weeks.  At this point still all excited and happy about life in general.  As per usual I phoned the taxi service an hour before I needed them to pick me up.  I was expecting them at 9am, but the driver was 10minutes early.  Not a trainsmash, they’ve done this before and if they were in the wrong they quite happily agree to wait free of charge until the predetermined time.  Still smiling at this point.

Now, the security and access control at my complex work as follows.  A visitor will press the intercom button at the gate.  They have to give their name and the unit they want to visit to the security guard.  He then phones the resident on their cellphone to inform them of the visitor and if you are happy to let the person in you need to press a number on your keypad to let them in.  It’s a good system and mostly it works.  (At this point I’d like to point out that this is the 3rd time in 6 weeks I’m making use of the same taxi service to pick me up from the complex.  Every single time they have been allowed into the complex to come pick me up).  This morning the guard phoned me and told me that the driver arrived.  When I attempted to open the gate via my cellphone the guard informed me, very rudely, that the taxi driver would not be permitted to enter the complex.  WHATTTT???  Not to worry..I remained calm and explained to the guard that there is no way I can walk the several hundred meters from my unit to the gate with my big suitcase, my laptop bag and my handbag all in tow.  If I had wanted to do that I wouldn’t have called a personalised taxi service.  While I was explaining this to him he proceeded to slam the phone down in my ear.  That moment right there….that set the tone for the whole day.  I grabbed my access card and took the walk to the gate and insisted on talking to the guard in person.  He shouted, he was rude and generally difficult.  I proceeded to tell him that I WILL let the taxi in and I WILL report him to the body corporate…..I wish i could tell you he handled this well….but I can’t.  He ended up screaming at me:/ Not cool at all…my blood was absolutely boiling.

Now don’t get me wrong.  If it is against complex rules…fine.  But in that case, why have all the previous taxis been allowed to come in?? Why was it necessary for him to put the phone down in my ear? What gave him the right to shout at me?  And who gave him the right to be that rude to me?? Seriously!

The flight to Windhoek was rather uneventful and pleasant…but that’s where it ended.  The moment we stepped off the plane and into passport control we could all see that there would be hell to pay.  I was 3rd in the row for foreign passports and I waited 20mins before I got to the front.  Even the Namibian citizens were given a hard time.  Questions, making them fill in more forms, rude remarks, threatening to send them back to SA, confiscating passports….it was insane.  As I stepped up to the front I suddenly realised that I didn’t have a printed copy of my work visa.  PROBLEM! I decided not to panic.  Every other time I’ve come in I didn’t have it.  I simply filled in business and explained that I was actually working for an SA company and I was here for meetings and to hand over a report(which is true…I’m being paid by an SA company).  She would have NONE of it.  She was screaming and shouting at me within seconds.  Threatening to send me back, telling me that nobody can come into the country for business without a work visa.  It was at this point where I really wanted to point to all the business men behind me in the line and ask…..’so are you telling all these people that they can not come into your country for their various meetings today cause they don’t have work visas??’

After much shouting from her side and much calm from mine I explained to her that I do have a visa and I could show her the scanned document on my iPad, but I don’t have a printed copy.  But if there is any way for me to print it I would gladly print it out for her.  This set her off on another screaming match.  After another couple of minutes she rudely told me to go to information to find out if they can print it for me.  Bear in mind…I have to go out into the actual airport…actual namibia…past passport control and all the various security points.  She then shouted after me that I dare not leave the airport without my passport and I dare not collect my baggage.  After more than an hour and R350 later I finally managed to get a printed version of my visa.  I then had to go through the tedious process of trying to convince security that I needed to go back through security to get to passport control so i can get my passport back and collect my baggage.  Another 20mins later and I finally delivered the visa to the incredibly rude staff member.

I figured this would be the end of it.  Not so I’m afraid.  She launched another line of rude comments my way and then proceeded to tell me that she couldn’t read it and will therefore NOT be stamping my passport and she’ll be sending me back to SA.  This is where I finally lost it.  I grabbed my passport and the visa out of her hand and handed it to one of the other immigration officers and asked her if she could read it.  Which she could.  She stamped my passport and told the other woman she was being unnecessarily difficult.  I proceeded to give the rude woman a piece of my mind.  Seriously…i don’t have a problem with her doing her job.  That’s what she’s paid for.  But to stand there and shout at me, be difficult, incredibly rude and generally (excuse my french) act like a bitch and abuse her power and expect me to just take it and bite my tongue because she can cause a lot of problems for me…THAT is unacceptable.  I was furious.  I very rarely get angry, and even when I do my temper is rather laughable.  I just don’t do angry.  But today I was truly furious, seething, angry beyond belief because of people abusing their positions and being rude.

And while I realise Namibia isn’t exactly a million miles away it is still a foreign country.  This is my job, my livelihood.  I was only able to leave the airport 2 hours after actually landing because some woman was on a power trip.  It was incredibly stressful and upsetting to say the least.  Then of course there is this OTHER situation.  Something going on that I can’t talk about.  About being disappointed in people you look up to.  About the crap that’s about to hit the fan in a big way and not knowing how it’s going to affect you.  So between the rude security guard, the rude, powertripping passport control lady and this other situation I’m a wreck this evening.  I’m stressed beyond belief, and while a good night’s sleep won’t do much for the ‘other’ situation it sure as hell will make me feel better about the rest of today.

So dear dear monday…please, I’d like to never ever ever repeat this day again…do we have an understanding?