The last year has flown by at the speed of light…I’m convinced of this. It feels like only a few weeks ago that my father called to break the bad news. The news that obliterated a part of the little world I live in. My gran had passed away. It hadn’t been a complete shock, as we had been expecting it for months, but it didn’t make the hurt any less. She was my gran, my friend and one of my biggest fans, and I miss her every single day. She is far happier where she is now in a world without pain and sickness and sadness, I know this. And while it doesn’t make me miss her any less, the thought of her in a happy, pain-free world… makes me happy:) So this post is me remembering her with a smile (admittedly one through a sheen of tears, but a smile none the less). Love you Ouma:)
Today, as I was scratching around in my study looking for something I needed, I came upon the Christmas card that I received from you this last Christmas….your last Christmas. It was so unexpected, and I was caught completely off guard. Hello instant tears. I always miss you, and I think of you every day….but today was so much worse. I just collapsed in a little heap on the floor and wept….mourned the fact that you will never see my new home….mourned the fact that you will never meet your first great-grandson, Baby B…mourned the fact that you will never see me getting married..mourned the fact that I will never share a moment of hysterical laughter with you again. It felt like my heart broke into a million different pieces all over again.
And of course misery loves company. Suddenly I was crying for a whole bunch of other reasons too…you know…since I had already ruined my make up and since I was already all sniffly and since the post cry headache had already set in I might as well make use of the opportunity to be completely and utterly miserable. It’s dumb. And I always end up feeling emotionally over sensitive afterwards…like I’m precariously balancing on a very VERY thin ledge of sanity. I develop verbal diarrhea and talk non-stop about the stupidest things to the people close to me as if it will somehow stop me from thinking too hard and falling off the edge. Sometimes I feel sorry for my friends….but i’m eternally grateful that they put up with my little quirks. I’m not sure how I’d survive without them.
Anyway…I’m babbling again. I just wanted to tell you that I really miss you. The practical part of me is so grateful that you are no longer suffering and that the memories we have of you are fond and amazing and happy. But there is a part of me that just aches so much when I remember that you are no longer here. And sometimes being human and being emotional really sucks:/ Just so you know, I’m OK now, and I seem to be over my little wobble (Listening to Angry music as per the BFF’s advice, kinda helped) But I wanted you to know that even though you are no longer here you will never be forgotten.