Last night I was contemplating life in general (being stressed does that to me), and I had this little moment where I had to confess to myself that there were things that I wanted to say that I couldn’t say.  My mind on this has somewhat changed.  There are things that I can’t tweet/blog/fb about because it involves my job and because of the very nature of what I do I can not really just TALK about what I do.  But when it comes to my personal things…If i can’t say them out loud then maybe something is wrong.  Surely I should be able to voice my emotions accurately and honestly?

I’ve been under tremendous strain the last few months work wise.  Things have just really been intensely hectic and stressed and busy with impossible deadlines, a ridiculous amount of work and a lot of responsibility.  Can I cope? Sure I can…but that doesn’t mean I won’t have a bit of a private wobbly every now and again.  In fact, I’ve come to the conclusion that these are possibly even good for me.  It reminds me that some things are more important than work, that I need to take small breaks and that Ruby is more important than any deadline….because if I don’t care about myself nobody else will.  And that’s actually what bothers me.

I came to the conclusion that very few people actually really honestly care.  There are a vast amount of “friends” of mine that have no idea what’s going on in my life, what I’m coping with and what’s been happening.  With this I don’t mean they know every little thing that happens…it’s difficult to explain.  I’m the one who calls, sympathises and finds out what i can do to help, or show genuine interest in their lives, but only a very small group of people return the favour…for these friends I am incredibly grateful.  I love them with all my heart and would risk my life for them.  I know this fact shouldn’t bother me as it is normal that people in general don’t care about others…but the more I try to convince myself it doesn’t bother me…the more it does.  And last night was just a little realisation of that.  What triggered it? I have no idea.  The only people I interacted with were the bff and another really good friend of mine…both of whom fall into the small group of genuine friends.  Maybe it was the realisation that aside from them the number is super tiny, or maybe knowing that both of them were going through a tough time made me think of my own less tough but emotionally taxing time.  I don’t know.  All I really know is it hit me last night.

I feel much better about it today.  Maybe it was just the cherry on a really crappy day and I had very little emotional strength left to deal with it.  But it annoys me that it bothers me so much….I need to deal with this and move on.  Life is tough…suck it up cupcake.

I’m not writing this because I want people to comment with “are you OK?” or to send hugs or to call or something.  The only reason i wrote it was because I needed to voice what was bothering me. I needed to be honest with myself and I needed to stop worrying about the aftermath of being emotional and vulnerable.

Life happens…we all need to deal with it…this was just my way of growing up an dealing with something.