I realise I’ve been awfully quiet of late, and that all the little letters you have been able to get your eyes on have been kind of short and not really up to my normal standard. I’ve been busy….busy with work, with my masters, with friends, with issues, with life in general really:)
I have however been working on this little letter for a couple of days. It isn’t often that I write a post that contains a lot of “bare all” from me. Yes, I show emotion, and love and sadness and anger and all the rest, but more often than not, you’ll notice that I’m kinda sketchy when it comes to the mind and heart of me. I don’t like opening myself up, being vulnerable and admitting weakness, and therefore it doesn’t happen very often. But here, in this letter, is a little piece of me, Ruby, in her raw and unedited form…..enjoy!
After 27 years, I’m of the opinion that I know myself pretty well….by the time I’m 35 I’ll probably look back on this letter and marvel at my silliness for even beginning to think i know myself…but right now, as it stands…this is what I’ve learnt.
I HATE admitting that I’m wrong. In fact, if I’ve ever admitted to being wrong about anything serious and you were the recipient of such an admission…consider yourself lucky. I rarely get involved in a discussion if I’m not quite sure of my story because of this reason….so usually i don’t have to admit that I’m wrong. But I’ve done and said some pretty screwed up things in my life. Don’t get me wrong…if I’m wrong and i KNOW it, I will admit to this fact and apologize….but it’s not something that comes to me easily.
As far as relationships or impending relationships go…I shouldn’t have too much time to think. I’ve learned that mostly I should be caught off guard. Not completely, but a little. If I’m allowed too much thinking time between realising that a dude is into me and the time where something actually happens between us, I will more than likely come up with a million reasons why it would never work and I’ll end up neatly avoiding any romantic involvement. Yes….I am an over thinker….but i tend to be even worse than most people.
As much as i am confident and feisty and a little fighter who works hard for all she’s got and who is ready to take on the world on her own for what she truly wants and for what she truly believes in….at the end of the day I’m just a little girl at heart.
The thing that really rips the carpet from underneath my feet is disappointment. I hate disappointing the people i love and even more than that i hate disappointing myself. Anger and frustration and sadness I can cope with without missing a beat…disappointment…gets me every time.
I can’t stand injustice, half truths and lies. I always feel the need to point it out and fix it.
I suck at being angry for longer than a couple of minutes and for the life of me i can’t hold grudges. I’m generally a pretty upbeat person, and being angry and moody turns me into a difficult and unhappy person…this irritates me, so anger and moodiness flies out the window pretty quickly.
The one thing i post even less about than my inner “me-ness” is my faith. Not because I’m ashamed or not passionate, it’s simply because I don’t believe in bombarding people with what I believe. But this letter would be incomplete without mentioning it. Despite being an extremely rational and realistic and scientific person I can not deny that I believe in God. That my faith in Him is the one thing that makes me who I am. It keeps me sane and positive and excited about life. There is just too much in my life that is completely unexplainable and too marvelous to explain in any other way.
Maybe writing this has opened me up to negative comments and future hurts…who knows. All I know is that at the end of the day…this is me. Granted, there is a lot more to the inner “me-ness” than what I’ve written in this letter, but this is definitely a part of it.
P.S. Now be nice!