The past two weeks have been such a whirlwind time that I’ve hardly had time to eat, sleep or even think. Since you ever so carefully bulldozed you way into my perfectly organized life, everything has changed, and tonight for the first time I have the time to just sit down and analyze…something i usually do constantly. If the letter is a bit jumbled and confusing, please bear with me. I’m trying to focus, trying to figure out what the hell is going on…trying to make sense of the situation.
We’ve been friends for months, and never, not even once have i considered the possibility that your little mind was steering our friendship in a completely different direction. Then, two weeks ago, you practically invited yourself to dinner. We had a fabulous time and to my absolute astonishment it was 3 o’clock by the time you finally decided to leave. I never even noticed what time it was….i had trouble sleeping and was amazed at how comfortable it was to have you around.
Since then I’ve seen you every single day. I’ve sms’d you a thousand times, answered your ring tone even more than that and found myself thinking of you more than i felt comfortable to admit.
Our first kiss was gentle and passionate, but a complete surprise. You had manged to catch me completely off guard….not something easily achieved. And even more surprising was the fact that this unexpectedness didn’t bother me at all.
I have no idea where all of this is going. I’m freaked out by the fact that I’m allowing you to bulldoze your way into my life. I’m freaked out by my reaction to all of this. But most of all i think I’m freaked out by the fact that I’ve just realised that I’m falling for you. Hard! I haven’t‘ fallen in love with you, but as i sit here reading this letter i realise that I’m probably heading in that direction….it scares the shit out of me.
Our “relationship”, or whatever you would like to call it, has a different twist to it, and even though i won’t talk about it, I can’t deny that this specific part of your history scares me. I’m grateful for the fact that your realise i have a slight issue with this, and that you’ve been trying your best to make it easy for me.
Last night was the first day in two weeks that i didn’t see you. I missed you…..and that scared me. I felt unsure of myself, which is not something which happens all too often. And I’m upset with myself for this reaction. You wouldn’t be phoning me 200 times a day if you didn’t wanna spend time with me…..i decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and spent some time with the girlies. It was good, but not the same as spending time with you. I’d rather see you ever day……shocking, i know!
I don’t know if it will work out, or whether all of this is just for fun. I’m confused as hell, but most of all I’m having fun. I enjoy your company, you quick wit, your hand on the small of my back when no one else is watching. The stolen kisses and the light touch of you hand on my arm.
I’ve made a decision while writing this letter. I’m usually the over thinker, the too rational person, the over analyzer, and the one who doesn’t risk her heart, because she’s been hurt too many times. The one who’d rather not love at all than have her heart broken. It stops right here. No more!
You make me happy. You make me feel excited about the most mundane little tasks. The thought of you makes me feel like I’ve slept for hours, even though I’ve probably only slept about 12 hours in 2 weeks. You’re the one that makes me feel special for wanting to kill the client whose practically harassing me. The one who makes me feel all silly, and blushy and like I’m a teenager again. I’ve decided to risk it.
I don’t know what the future holds for us, and whether we’ll even make it to a proper relationship…but I’ve also decided that it doesn’t matter. That i have to start living and loving the here and now….even if it means that i might get hurt in the process.
I realise that this letter is all “deurmekaar“, mushy and stupid. But it has helped me focus, it’s helped me make a decision……….it’s helped me realise that I really like you you little clown! Be gentle with this little heart of mine. It’s not given easily and not without a lot of thought and consideration for what might happen. But I’m willing to take the risk and i’m hoping you are too.
Hugs and kisses