The last couple of days I’ve been missing you so much..so much more than I normally do. True, i haven’t seen you in ages, but this is different…i painfully miss you.

I need to talk to you face to face, this skype, IM and e-mail nonsense just doesn’t cut it anymore. I need a hug, actually, i need plenty of hugs and a kiss on the forehead. I can’t wait to see you again. I hope the two of you and Charlie, the dog, are well and that love and happiness rules everyday.

I love you
Ruby
xxxxx

Let’s face it…my year got off to a pretty rocky start. But looking at it as a whole, it hasn’t been a bad year, or should i say, a bad 2 months. I’ve learned a lot, I’ve grown, I’ve met new people, I’ve done new things….all in all…not bad at all.

So here is a list of what I’ve learned so far:
– Life doesn’t always work out the way we plan it..but when you make the best of what you’ve
got, life can be pretty awesome 😉
– some goodbye’s are more painful than others
– I’m a lot stronger than i give myself credit for…..
– Tears aren’t always a bad thing…sometimes they are crucial to the healing process
– i know a lot of amazing people who supported me more than could humanely be expected
of them in a time where i thought my world was crashing down around me
– Saying goodbye properly is important
– seeing a dead person is not a pleasant experience….ever…I’ll be avoiding that in the future
– tell the people you love that you love them as often as possible…it’s important
– Friends can be found in the most unlikely places
– sometimes it’s better to cut your losses and move on
– don’t be so scared of getting hurt that you don’t let people into your most deepest of heart
places. You miss a lot of life experiences this way
– Best friends are the shit! #thatisall
– our capacity to love never ceases to amaze me
– it’s ok to not be strong sometimes….that’s what friends are for
– I have an incredible boss…and no, he doesn’t read my blog, so I’m NOT trying to score
points here
– Sometimes dressing up pretty and getting a compliment can light up your life
– Learning to accept a heartfelt and honest compliment is a lesson everybody should learn
and apply
– surround yourself with the people that make you happy and excited about life
– Live passionately
– Most importantly i think I’ve learned that i have a pretty amazing life, with really awesome
friends and an even more incredible family….life is good 🙂

I look forward to the rest of the year. The things I’m gonna do and the people I’m gonna meet. *lifts glass* so here’s to you 2010….now go and be fabulous!

Love

Ruby
xxxxx

So as it turns out your brother was more right than either of us expected. He always said that he wished we could meet cause we’d get along awesomely……and thanks to a series of unfortunate events we were able to prove him right, we got along better than even he could have imagined.

You are one of the most incredible people i’ve ever had the priveledge of meeting. Your zest for life, your passion for the people and the things around you…it was an incredible experience to see the world through your eyes.

But eventually you had to go back, and i’m going to miss you more than i expected. You’ve become a very good friend, and you’ll be missed. Thank goodness for lots of pictures fond memories, e-mail and skype:)

Love

Ruby

It’s been just over 2 weeks since i had to say goodbye, just over 2 weeks since i saw your deathly pale face, just over 2 weeks since i had to cut myself off from emotions in order to focus on the important people…it’s been just over 2 weeks and i still have to wipe away a tear when i think of you.

Too soon you left us. Too soon the dark abyss of reality had taken you away from us. Sometimes i forget, and i get excited at the prospect of seeing your smiling face when i get home, only to be greeted by mournful reality….I’ll never have the pleasure of seeing that big smile again, ever. To hear you laugh that carefree laugh you sometimes had. It’s over, a chapter of my life is done.

I’ll never forget the shocked expression on your mom’s face when she stormed towards us pleading with us to help her. She found you, hanging there like that. I’ll never forget the sight, and yet, it’s almost as if the picture i conjure up of that moment is emotionless. You were there no longer….your spirit gone, and therefore you were gone too.

I think a lot of people had trouble understanding why you did what you did. But after much thought and tears and reading, I’ve come to the conclusion that you didn’t kill yourself, you died of a disease called Bipolar disorder. You didn’t choose to have that deepest of darkness inside of you, and you could no more ignore it than i could stop breathing just because i wanted to.

That Tuesday night was one of the darkest nights I’ve ever had. Sitting in my little cottage, knowing that you were no longer alive and well, knowing that you died not 30m away from my home, haunted by the image of you hanging there…your feet only 10cm from the ground. I think the fact that it had happened at my house…my safe place….my ‘den’, was more disturbing to me than the fact that you had died. I didn’t want to be at home, i didn’t want to think, and at some point in the night, i just didn’t want to be.

You’ll be happy to know that I have an amazing bunch of friends. Their love and support and hugs(both in real life and cyber space) kept me going. There were people who stayed awake with me through most of Tuesday night, chatting to me, just so that i wouldn’t be alone with the grief and the trauma. There were a few of them that totally went the extra mile, and for that I am eternally grateful. It’s not often that I’m at a low point in life, but that night, the night you died, i was.

You always said that i was like bubbles, always needing to go up…i just can’t help it. And once again you were proven right. Be Wednesday afternoon i couldn’t help but have little bouts of happiness and smiles intermingled with the sadness and loss. And i know that you would have wanted it that way. You never wanted us to be sad.

On Saturday it would be 2 weeks since your funeral. And strange as it may sound…you would have loved your funeral. As funerals go it was pretty awesome. The Pastor never once avoided the fact that you committed suicide, instead he used that as his focus point. We sang happy songs and celebrated your life, rather than mourning your death. There were few tears and lots of happy stories told by all who held you dear. Your brother from the US made it just in time, and you were proven right again…we do get along like a house on fire. And as i went home afterwards, you’d never guess what i saw. One of the bunnies, that you had spent hours chasing around the garden and trying to feed and tame was sitting outside your front door in the sun, trying to dry off from the rain. It didn’t bolt when i went closer…it just sat there, in the very spot where you so patiently sat trying to catch it. It made me smile.

I miss you my dear dear friend, but i know that you are now in a much happier place, where the darkness of a disease you couldn’t control can’t find you. I pray that your soul has found rest and that you are resting in the arms of our Father. Until we meet again one day, rest in peace.

Love

Ruby
xxxxxx

Happy birthday!!!!! I hope you have the most amazing of days, filled with love and joy and happiness and blessings and that there will be much spoiling going on! *looks pointedly at yankee sis in law*.

I can’t believe you’re turning 30 already! Just the other day we were little snot nosed kids running around our tiny little town, causing havoc and hearts to melt all at the same time. Wow…seems like i might actually have to start thinking of you as a grown up at some point.

Today i miss you more than normal and i wish you were here so i could give you a hug and a kiss and just hold you close. It always amazes me to think that we could be shouting and fighting one minute but the moment one of us are in trouble we stand together, defiant, ready to take on the whole world armed with only our fingernails for each other. You are my big brother, the protector of my honor, my mentor, my roll model, my friend, part of my happy place, my partner in crime and a very important part of who I am today.

I pray that you will always be safe in the land far away, and that the years ahead will be filled blessings, adventures, love, happiness, stories and things we can’t even begin to imagine…..oh, and hopefully some nieces and nephews for me *grin*. I can’t help but shed a tear…I miss you more than i thought i ever would and i hope to see you soon. Happy birthday boetie!

Love
Ruby
xxxxxxxx