Dear Baby B

As with yesterday’s post, I can’t believe it’s been a year.  I can’t believe that today a year ago was when you finally showed us your gorgeous little face. Happy first birthday little man:) I wish I could be there to give you a big fat hug and to see your excited little face as you get to tear paper and bash cakes:)

I never thought it would be possible to love someone you’ve never actually held this much. My closest physical interaction with you was when I visited your Mom and Dad a year and 5 months ago and I got to hear your little heartbeat and feel you kick. Lucky for us we live in a world of technology and we have been able to interact with you and see you grow via Skype. Seeing how you’ve started interacting with us via Skype brings happysad tears to the eye.

So happy birthday little man:) I look forward to seeing you (hopefully) later this year, to watching you grow (even if it is via Skype) and to be a part of your life.

Much love
Aunty Ruby
xxxxxx

P.S. I’m adding one or two pictures so you can all go awe and agree that he’s gorgeous!

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I can’t believe it’s been a year

The last year has flown by at the speed of light…I’m convinced of this. It feels like only a few weeks ago that my father called to break the bad news.  The news that obliterated a part of the little world I live in. My gran had passed away.  It hadn’t been a complete shock, as we had been expecting it for months, but it didn’t make the hurt any less.  She was my gran, my friend and one of my biggest fans, and I miss her every single day.  She is far happier where she is now in a world without pain and sickness and sadness, I know this. And while it doesn’t make me miss her any less, the thought of her in a happy, pain-free world… makes me happy:)  So this post is me remembering her with a smile (admittedly one through a sheen of tears, but a smile none the less). Love you Ouma:)

 

Dear 2012

I can hardly believe that I’m sitting here writing my annual “end of year” blog already. It feels like just yesterday that I was jetting off to the States to see in the new year in Times Square with my closest friend.  But here I am, looking back and reflecting on the year that’s been.  My initial reaction when thinking about this year is that it was a really really tough one…but it wasn’t all bad. There was a lot of good contained in this year too…a lot of happy moment shared by myself and the ones I consider dear to me.

Every year I write a little post listing big events or things I’ve learnt and this year shall be no different.  Please feel free to add anything I’ve missed in the comment sections…since you guys share such a big part of my life anyway:)

  • I kicked of the year with a massive party in my favourite city in the whole world.  My close friend and I traveled to the States to conquer Washington DC and New York and to party in Time’s square along with millions of other people.  It was one of the most memorable experiences of my entire life, and to be honest when I think about it I can almost not believe that I was really there:)

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  • The rest of our holiday in the US and I extended my stay with a week to go visit my brother and sister-in-law.
  • I get to spend my brother’s birthday with him for the first time in many years

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  • I felt Baby B (nephew) kick for the first time and I accompanied my sister-in-law on one of her visits and was able to hear his little heart beat.  I’m not broody at all…never have been. But hearing that little heart beat…my eyes filled with tears and that little baby stole my heart right then and there…even though he was still a few months away from being born.
  • The Italian somehow managed to squeeze over my walls and swept me off my feet…sadly it didn’t last and later in 2012 we broke up.

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  • After months of waiting (having ordered it in October 2011 already) and secret keeping (very few people knew) my gorgeous and epic car arrived in January. My little MINI, spec’d to a level of crazy and exactly as I wanted it:) MINI FTW!!!
  • For the first time I was faced with the harsh realities of being self-employed. It’s a scary world and I’m grateful that it was only a small scare.
  • My gran became seriously ill and was admitted to a hospital in Durban.  I flew down for one night as we were all convinced she wouldn’t make it thought the weekend.  I return to Jozi broken-hearted, convinced I’d never speak to her again
  • My gran makes a miraculous recovery from the pneumonia and is sent home…but the cancer is back with a vengeance and we all know it won’t be long.
  • My close friend got engaged to the girl who stole his heart:)
  • Early one morning I ended up in ER with everyone convinced I was having a heart attack.  Biggest SCARE EVER! I made hospital art after the ECG.

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  • I move into a new home.  I LOVE it! probably twice the size of my previous place and I have a little garden.
  • I meet the neighbourlady…which in the few months that I’ve lived in the new place, has become an amazing friend.
  • My gran passed away peacefully while taking an afternoon nap. I think this was the one single event that shaped my opinion of this year. It broke me. Utterly and completely.  She was the strongest most amazing woman, she was my best friend and just like that she was no longer with us.  I still feel my eyes filling with tears just thinking about it.  I miss her so very much.
  • Baby B is born the day after my gran passed away. The most beautiful and perfect little boy and despite not actually being able to hold and cuddle him he has stolen my heart:)

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  • My mother receives my grandmother’s Ruby ring that my grandfather gave her on their 40th wedding anniversary and she decides to give it to me. Ruby being my birthstone and all. (happy tears) I wear it every single day:)

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  • A rather scary event (work related) forces me to reconsider my chosen profession.  I love my job…but is it worth the danger I put the people I love in?  It took weeks of prayer, planning and a lot of personal analysis to figure this one out.
  • I took my parentals to see my dad’s all time favourite band when they were in SA – The Moody Blues…what an awesome concert!

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  • I turned the big three oh.  Most other people I know had a little episode when they realise they were turning 30…me not so much.  If nothing else it has brought me to a place in my life where I’m less concerned about what others think and more about the happiness of myself and the ones I love.  It’s brought a new confidence and a happiness all on its own.  So I’m 30..so what…age is just a number:) It has also brought along a new motto: Some will, some won’t, so what, next.
  • I went to see Madame Zingara and became part of the show:P

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  • My mother had to go for a really big operation and I was a complete wreck.  Grateful that I was in a position where I was able to work from their home for a week and look after her.
  • Christmas 2012…our first without my gran…a joyful and sad event.
  • It’s been a year of incredibly long hours and hard work and a lot of pressure work wise. I still haven’t quite figured out how to relax…I’m trying my best to master this art though:P  But I still tend to go overboard and work myself to the edge of a burnout.
  • I’ve learnt that no matter how hard you try, for some people nothing will ever be good enough.
  • The ones who hurt us the most are the ones we trust and love the most, because it is to them that we open our hearts, our dreams, our desires and our weaknesses.
  • I’ve once again realised that you can make really good friends in the most unlikely of places.
  • Not everyone who proclaims to be your friend will treat you as such.
  • True friends are worth more to me than any riches
  • People will judge and oppose that which they do not understand.
  • It has been a long year…I’m beyond tired and I’m still working.  No holiday plans for me yet and it was with shock that I realised that I haven’t been off since returning from the States in January.  Not a weekend away, not a weekend off, mostly work work work and more work. But it has been a good year and despite some events that made it seem like a yucky year I have been blessed.  I realise that a lot of people who read my blog do not share my beliefs when it comes to God, but how can I say goodbye to a year without including the most important part of who I am and what I believe.  God has provided me with a lot of grace and love and understanding and comfort this year.  He has also blessed me in ways I can not even begin to explain or even comprehend.  He is my Rock:)

Well my lovelies, I think that about sums it up. My 2012 in a nutshell.
As far as 2013 goes…I think this is going to be a big year all round.  There are many exciting things in the pipeline…weddings, engagements, work things, friend things, family things and hopefully some epic holidays and fun times with the people dear to me.  I wish you guys all the best for 2013.  Make every single day count.  Do what makes you happy. Take responsibility for your actions. Tell the people you love that you love them as often as you can…they might not have a tomorrow. Laugh a lot. Dance and be silly.  Work hard.  Do your best in all you do. 2013…look out, we’re coming for you!

Love
Ruby
xxxx

 

Dear One Direction

I recently discovered your song “Little things” and all that I can say is WOW.  I’ve probably listened to it a million times and I just don’t get tired of it.  It’s totally cheesy…completely corny…but it appeals to the hopeless romantic that I am deep inside. There is a part of me that becomes complete mush at the thought of a guy serenading a girl…writing her a song or a poem or just a simple, but beautiful and honest love letter. The leaving of a single hand-picked wild flower or the gentle seemingly thoughtless touch in passing.

I mostly blame the parentals for this hopelessly romantic streak I have.  I am very blessed to have parents that after 36 years of marriage are still in love, still hold hands, still kiss and send loving and sickeningly sweet messages to each other and what I realised most last week…are completely miserable without each other. I think they are singlehandedly responsible for my belief that true love exist, good men are still alive, couples should always support each other, trust each other completely (definitely a vital building block), men should be chivalrous, women should behave like ladies and that one simple gesture can be filled with more love than any amount of words could ever explain.

So bear with me as I share with my readers the sickeningly sweet words of this song and share a part of my hopelessly romantic heart:

Your hand fits in mine
Like it’s made just for me
But bear this in mind
It was meant to be
And I’m joining up the dots with the freckles on your cheeks
And it all makes sense to me

I know you’ve never loved
The crinkles by your eyes
When you smile
You’ve never loved
Your stomach or your thighs,
The dimples in your back at the bottom of your spine
But I’ll love them endlessly

I won’t let these little things slip out of my mouth
But if I do
It’s you
Oh, it’s you they add up to
I’m in love with you
And all these little things

You can’t go to bed without a cup of tea
And maybe that’s the reason that you talk in your sleep
And all those conversations are the secrets that I keep
Though it makes no sense to me

I know you’ve never loved
The sound of your voice on tape
You never want
To know how much you weigh
You still love to squeeze into your jeans
But you’re perfect to me

I won’t let these little things slip out of my mouth
But if it’s true
It’s you,
It’s you they add up to
I’m in love with you
And all these little things

You’ll never love yourself half as much as I love you
You’ll never treat yourself right, darling, but I want you to.
If I let you know I’m here for you
Maybe you’ll love yourself like I love you, oh.

And I’ve just let these little things slip out of my mouth
‘Cause it’s you,
Oh, it’s you,
It’s you they add up to
And I’m in love with you
And all these little things

I won’t let these little things slip out of my mouth
But if it’s true
It’s you,
It’s you they add up to
I’m in love with you
And all your little things

Regards
The Hopeless Romantic
xxxx

My dearest Ouma

Today, as I was scratching around in my study looking for something I needed, I came upon the Christmas card that I received from you this last Christmas….your last Christmas.  It was so unexpected, and I was caught completely off guard.  Hello instant tears.  I always miss you, and I think of you every day….but today was so much worse.  I just collapsed in a little heap on the floor and wept….mourned the fact that you will never see my new home….mourned the fact that you will never meet your first great-grandson, Baby B…mourned the fact that you will never see me getting married..mourned the fact that I will never share a moment of hysterical laughter with you again.   It felt like my heart broke into a million different pieces all over again.
And of course misery loves company.  Suddenly I was crying for a whole bunch of other reasons too…you know…since I had already ruined my make up and since I was already all sniffly and since the post cry headache had already set in I might as well make use of the opportunity to be completely and utterly miserable.  It’s dumb. And I always end up feeling emotionally over sensitive afterwards…like I’m precariously balancing on a very VERY thin ledge of sanity.  I develop verbal diarrhea and talk non-stop about the stupidest things to the people close to me as if it will somehow stop me from thinking too hard and falling off the edge.  Sometimes I feel sorry for my friends….but i’m eternally grateful that they put up with my little quirks.  I’m not sure how I’d survive without them.

Anyway…I’m babbling again.  I just wanted to tell you that I really miss you.  The practical part of me is so grateful that you are no longer suffering and that the memories we have of you are fond and amazing and happy.  But there is a part of me that just aches so much when I remember that you are no longer here.  And sometimes being human and being emotional really sucks:/  Just so you know, I’m OK now, and I seem to be over my little wobble (Listening to Angry music as per the BFF’s advice, kinda helped)  But I wanted you to know that even though you are no longer here you will never be forgotten.

Love
Ruby
xxxx

Dear Baby B

There is so much that I want to tell this little bundle of joy.  So many things I’d like to share with him…memories and information and I wish i could hold him and tell him how precious he is.  But rather than bore you all with my aunty ramblings I’ve decided to rather just post a whole bunch of pictures I’ve received from the other side of the big waters.  Prepare for cuteness overload as I share my heart melt moments:)

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Super Baby!
Being guarded by Charlie the dog

Hello World

I have no words….

I have no words to even begin to explain how I feel.  I have no words that can successfully explain just how shattered my heart is.  I feel like it’s been ripped into a million pieces and they all fell shattered to the floor.

This afternoon I finally got the call that I had been dreading and preparing for, for weeks.  My gran passed away *sob*.  We all knew it was coming.  In fact, those of you who know me well, know that I flew done to Durban not so long ago because she was in hospital and on her death-bed.  Against all odds she managed to go home, walk around at home and chat to us on the phone as if nothing had happened.  The cancer however, was back.  And while none of us told her about it as her body was too old and frail to do anything about it…it didn’t change the fact that it was slowly sucking the life from her.  It has been a heart wrenching few weeks…hearing the deterioration in her voice whenever we spoke to her, getting the feedback from my aunt that she was indeed going backwards…and then finally today…the news we had all sadly been waiting for.

The really sad part is…no matter how much you prepare..you are never prepared for that feeling of complete loss, for the instant tears and the pain in your heart.  My gran was a truly amazing person.  She was a daughter, a wife, a sister, a mother, a grand mother and a great-grandmother.  But more than any of these she was one of my closest friends and my partner in crime.  My heart breaks for my brother…he’s so far away.  As most of you know my sis-in-law is pregnant and she was actually due last week saturday…which means that my little nephew is currently more than a week late already.  My gran will never know that her great-grandson was born healthy and beautiful….well, not on earth anyway.

She wouldn’t want us to mourn…of this much I’m sure.  She’d want us to celebrate her truly remarkable life and to be comforted in the knowledge that she is reunited with my darling grampa and that she has gone home.  But as hard as I may try I can’t even begin to think of her without bursting into tears.  It hurts so much to think that I will now be living in a world without her.  I suppose this too shall pass…and with time only the good and fond and loving memories shall remain.

I’m grateful she didn’t suffer and that she went peacefully.  And I’m grateful she went while she still had dignity and a small amount of independence.  I’m grateful I got to say goodbye.  And I’m infinitely grateful for the role she played in my life.

I love you gran…and I miss you.  You will always have a very special place in my heart.

All my love
Your Ruby
xxxxx