Filed under: Love
I wrote you a letter today….a long one. It will never be posted here…nor will you ever have the chance to read it….to me it is good enough to know that i wrote it.
I love you
Your beautiful disaster
Filed under: Love
I hope this letter finds you well and also well on your way to me *nudge nudge wink wink*. It’s just a little bit of guideline for that point in time when you finally do pitch up. I’m by no means perfect and like everybody else around me i have my good points, my strengths, my weaknesses and my issues. But I’d like to believe that I’m generally a good and caring person. Here are a couple things i’d like you to remember and take into consideration:
1. I’m a very affectionate person…I hope this won’t be a problem (PDA and stuff)
2. Dancing is my happy place:) I don’t expect you to love dancing, but it would help:)
3. I hate peas! Don’t try to make me eat them, don’t chew them in my ear so i can hear them
4. One of my best friends happen to be a boy person and i love him very much. Accept this
and deal with it…my friendship with him is not up for discussion.
5. I have an irrational fear of spiders. Please note….irrational. Don’t try and convince me that
they can’t hurt me, or that I weigh more than them, or that i’m like a million times bigger
than them…also, laughing at me when i freak out doesn’t help. Just be my knight in
shining armor….kill it, give me a hug and a kiss and move on.
6. Being a very affectionate person means i’m also affectionate with my friends, and i tend to
have little nicknames for everyone….extreme jealousy is better left at the door….slight, none
overbearing jealousy that you can fully control is sweet tho
7. I don’t believe in the silent treatment…issues need to be dealt with as and when they arise
8. I cry when i get really really angry…pls don’t think i’m trying to break down your defences
or black mail you when this happens.
9. Looks can be deceiving….i love camping…like serious pitch a tent and sleeping bag type stuff
10. My studies are important to me…not more important than you, but i am passionate about
what i do, and i’d appreciate it if you respected that.
11. I’m very close to my parents and my brother, and generally family means the world to me
12. My faith is an important part of who I am and i’m not willing to compromise it
13. I love cuddling and snuggling…i hope this is acceptable
14. Music forms an important part of my day to day life. It has a tremendous effect on my mood
and my day to day life. Important people and things in my life seem to be marked by songs
rather than anything else.
15. My heart is well guarded, and initially you might have trouble getting in……the walls around
it is quite high, but when i do fall in love i do so unconditionally and passionately.
My intention is not to scare you away or make you think twice, but the way i see it…..if you’re going to be part of my life there are certain things I might as well let you know before hand. If you can’t see yourself coping with them, then maybe you’re not my Prince Charming after all.
I can’t wait to meet you:)
I have so many emotions and thoughts running around in my head that I have no idea how to put them down on paper, much less blurt them out in a conversation. I realise that I’m famous for my extreme and incurable case of Foot in Mouth disease, but there are times when even I struggle to grasp words, any words to express what’s going on in my little world.
We’ve been friends for a very long time the two of us. I was there when your whole world collapsed, I was there during the period that you rebuilt it…doing more than my fair share to help. I saw you meet the love of your life, and I made an effort to get to know her and to be her friend, initially for your sake, but later, for hers. She’s an amazing lady….full of love and charm and although she is in many ways the exact opposite of me, we get along like a house on fire. The only thing to ever mar our friendship was…..well…you. Even though she knows she has nothing to fear, she can’t help but feel insecure about our friendship. So we decided to bridge the gap for her…..we stopped sharing long standing private jokes, we ensured that we never spent time alone, always including her in everything…and it worked. Until now.
The other night you phoned me at about 9. Please could you come for coffee. I was under the impression that she would be joining us, and being the little night owl that I am, I didn’t mind. Great was my surprise when you showed up on your own. I was really glad to see you, but the first thing that jumped out of my mouth the second you got out of the car was:”Where is she??” You became slightly evasive and told me that she went on holiday with her folks…..leaving you behind for a week. I’ve never been good at keeping my mouth shut, so I just jumped right in and wanted to know why on earth she would go on holiday without you, considering that it would have been completely possible for you to join her….You didn’t have an answer.
It’s no secret between us that there was a stage, a couple of months before you got engaged, that you were in love with me…and passionately so. I didn’t feel the same, and after long talks you accepted it, you even managed to talk to you wife to be about it, telling her about your silliness and the realisation that it wasn’t real. I was relieved and happy that it was all out in the open, crisis averted.
I’ll be honest….I’m worried, really worried. The fact that you came to see me alone, hardly answered any of my questions about the two of you, and then proceeded to tell me that you didn’t tell her that you were coming to see me and would appreciate it if I didn’t tell her either……I’m actually feeling kind of sick with worry. You never seem to smile any more, yet when the two of you are together you act as if everything is just peachy, and maybe it is, I’m just not convinced.
I’ve given you an ultimatum. Tell her you came to visit me while she was away or I will. Maybe i’m making a mountain from a molehill. But considering the current situation, and the history, I don’t want anybody pointing fingers at me saying that I was the cause of a failed marriage. I didn’t do anything wrong, I know that much….but I need you to tell her that you were at my house…even if it’s only for the sake of my sanity.
You’re like my brother, and I would do almost anything to see you happy and excited about life. But I refuse to be part of something that makes me feel dirty, even though i didn’t do anything wrong. Am I just being paranoid? Do I have reason to be worried? Why does everything always have to be so complicated…*sigh*
Filed under: Love
Even though we’ve made peace with the way things are some time ago, I’ve held off writing this letter. Simply because writing this needs courage and a lot of thought and soul seeking i guess. So, I’m tired enough to be brave enough to write it, I’m at peace with our friendship, and I’ve had plenty of time to think of what exactly it is that i would like to say to you in this here letter…….so here goes nothing;)
The romance started off in a little bit of a whirlwind/fairy tale sort of way. You managed to hijack my heart in a matter of minutes, and I know that you gave yours to me easily. But things just weren’t meant to be. And the past reared it’s awful head, rocking us back to the reality that is everyday life. For now it just won’t work.
We decided to end the “insert whatever you would like to call it here”. It was by mutual consent and very difficult, but probably the best decision we could have made….considering the circumstances. The strange thing is that you’ve become one of my best friends. I speak to you on a daily basis. You’re still a safe person to talk to when I’m down or when i have a crisis. You still have the amazing ability to turn my sadness into laughter and to brighten my day with a smile.
Initially this reaction was due to the fact that i was still very much in love with you. I’ll admit to that. I knew that you were still crazy about me….and the fact that you confessed this to me on several occasions after we decided to call it quits, did not exactly make it easy to let go.
But amazingly enough I’m finally over this. I’m over you. I’ve made a decision and I spent some much needed time focusing my life and my thoughts. I feel free and rejuvenated:) Our silly little love game has turned into a beautiful friendship. You are still a very important part of my life, but you are the love of my life no longer.
You will always hold a little piece of my heart. I’d be a liar if i denied that. But you are my friend, not my lover. I will always be here for you if you need me…but i think you know that already:)
I’m glad I’ve finally managed to muster up the courage to write this letter. In a way it is setting free the last strands of in loveness that has tried to hold my heart captive. I hope that you’ll have the courage to confront your demons and look away from the past. Your history doesn’t define who you are, it’s only the road you’ve taken to discover yourself. You are an amazing person, and i hope that you will always remember that.
Your phone call on Tuesday was a pleasant surprise. I haven’t heard from you in quite a while, and it’s always good to play catchup with someone as amazing as you:) The reason for your call was however probably the best part of my day and brought a warm feeling to my heart.
You are now a father. Oh my gosh! you?? a dad? How could that be?? I still remember you as the hot shot of the school, with your oh so cute blond curls, ice blue eyes and tanned skin. The dude with the smile that always made my heart flip. The sport star who would send me a sign from the cricket pitch to tell me he loves me and that the next ball will be a six, especially for me. Who waved at me unashamedly from the rugby field, not caring that the other members of the 1st team thought it was soppy. You were so young, and now you’re a dad. My my…how we’ve grown;)
Our relationship was one of young puppy love. And my memories of that time are all happy. You were the love of my life at age 16….but by the age of 18 you had become a good friend instead. Our breakup was sad, but not cruel. Your parents were moving, and being only 17 at the time we weren’t too keen on the whole long distance relationship thing. We broke it off with mutual consent….but always kept in touch.
Your friendly devotion to me through all this time is heartwarming and I’ll always love you for that;) I couldn’t attend your wedding, as it was at the same time as my Yankee brother’s…..but i did bring you guys a wedding gift from the US. Your wife is sweet and charming and i wouldn’t have found someone better suited for you if I chose her myself. You always thought that you weren’t good enough for me. No matter what i said to you my friend, you always thought you weren’t good enough. So your words to me on Tuesday made me smile…you finally thought you had achieved something…you were a father. You are 50% responsible for creating a perfect little baby boy….you sir, have done me proud;)
I wish your, your wife and little JJ the best of luck, love and happiness for the future:) And if he turns out half the man his father is…he will be amazing!
P.S. Lots of hugs and prayers going out to my terrivle half. I love you hun!